DailyMail And Openlove101: Negative Views About Swinging

One of the comments from the Daily Mail viral article about our swinging lives:

“Sorry but I feel if you want to go sleep around with other people, then you should not get married or be in a relationship. And if you do swing, then it should be kept private and not plastered all over the newspaper.”

Do you think if you’re going to sleep around, you shouldn’t get married?

Let’s talk about it!

10 Comments

  • Chief says:

    Certainly a truth if you are not able to be open and honest with your partner to be. Sleeping around requires communication and that will strengthen your relationship by sharing the adventure together. On the swinging sites we have been appalled how many single males say HI and are ready to get together tonight. When you ask is he has a partner and if she is okay with this 9 times out of 10 they will reply that she has no idea that I am on here doing this. That level of deceit is a total turn off for us. Many things can happen from this scenario and none of them are good

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hello Chief,

      I couldn’t agree more…when a person elects to be deceitful with their partner nothing good ever comes of it. I have had my share of “single” men who will friend request me on Facebook for instance because they see I am a swinger. Like you, they will immediately move in for some kind of meet up. I always try to keep in the back of my mind, the definition most of society has about swingers. You know the ones, where all we are interested in is sex with anyone and everyone! With this in mind I will typically remind these misinformed males that I have absolutely no intention of ever mingling with anyone who is not being honest in their relationship. I will enlighten them to the joys and intimacy achieved when communication, honesty, and trust are paramount in a relationship. A kind reminder that swingers engage in the lifestyle together and expect nothing less from those in which they decide to have as a play partner. I try to take this time to hopefully educate these wayward gentlemen and to also show through the example in my own relationship, the true benefits of a swinging partnership.

  • Lowell says:

    To calmly & thoughtfully address, as you are doing here, a direct affront(see negative comments) to your way-of-life, or your lifestyle, does much to illustrate that you both are coming from a position of strength and sincerity in knowing what is a viable relationship model for you both in your lifestyle.

    But, the manner in which your response will be framed and the related educational methods that are contained therein, is where, I believe, you both shall fulfill your mission of introducing and educating others to relationship possibilities other than mainstream monogamy.

    As you both must recognize, any criticisms of the more conventional monogamous lifestyles, should be avoided like the plaque. From all that I’ve learned, it is evident to me that LS educators have their most success when experiential learning methods are utilized for the “student”. I would think that one of the reasons for this is that the untraveled societal paths of compersion, managing jealousy, etc are simply not tangible constructs that the average couple can simply call-up from prior personal experience. This is likely because the LS, is still at the edge of a new exploration & redefinition of relationships and societal matters for most individuals entering today.

  • Do you think if you’re going to sleep around, you shouldn’t get married?

    I liken this sort of reasoning along these lines… “If you’re going to be a world traveler then you shouldn’t fly on any jetplanes!” The framing of the question, or rather the implied parameter by the Commentor, is that only married persons can have sex, maybe even including any forms of unmarried masturbation too! Haha! Nevertheless, my guess is that this Commentor’s proclamation is based upon and comes from a religious tenet or reference.

    I am not going to dive into that ocean-sized soup bowl because one can literally SWIM and/or tread water for months or years sorting out ancient historical stories, legends, superstitions, actual evidence, geopolitical-apocryphal upheavals, and governing styles/traditions until your’re pulling out all your hair… and STILL not be any closer to what SHOULD be going on between sane, consenting, and communicating adults! Let me refine that last part…

    HONORABLE communicating adults!

    There are at least 3 pillars of the healthy, safe, fun, respectful, educated/intelligent Open-Swinger lifestyle. They are 1) honest communication to all persons, especially one’s spouse, 2) honest PROactive communication to all persons, especially one’s spouse, and 3) honest proactive highly articulated communication to all persons, especially one’s spouse. Perhaps the next three supporting pillars (out of several) are A) safe in all senses of the word, B) little-to-no judging or shaming, and C) the Golden Rule — honor everyone the same you’d expect to be highly honored. Keep these rules/boundaries and 95% of your experience in our incredibly fulfilling lifestyle will be life-changing.

    Back to this Commentor, one implicit tenet or belief that several of the world’s major religions hold steadfast to, particularly the Abrahamic religions… is the concept (illusion) of humanity’s total depravity. This belief has monumentally devastating effects on the biological makeup and purpose of today’s RESPONSIBLE human sexuality! Essentially, it is the source of most deep-seeded fears (covering 2-3 millenia?) people have toward an active, safe, responsible, healthy, ENHANCED sex life. Suffice to say that this negative belief/insecurity (illusion) of humans has done immeasurable damage to our social dynamics, let alone mastering honest, proactive, responsible, highly articulated self-expression.

    Once again Jackie/John, you guys are fantastic and a hugely refreshing breath on a long closeted subject! You guys ROCK!!!! 🙂

    • Lowell says:

      Very insightful, etiological observations on this display of public response to John & Jackie’s LS news piece! Still, what has gone unmentioned here are two scientific & medical advancements that have allowed all of us to explore the LS in such large numbers today; and those are: 1) Safe, reliable birth control ; 2) Effective monitoring, treatments, and control of STD/STI infectious diseases in large populations.

      One might also add the advent of the technology online social networking, communicating, searching, matching, and dating connections that is now ubiquitous in our lives today.

  • Stacie says:

    Hi John & Jackie, I really enjoy your videos, however I do have a question to ask. I am about embark on this lifestyle however I still have a nagging question in my head. Why would I want to swing since my partner satisfies me and I satisfy him. We talk about it all the time he’s waiting on me. We have set our boundaries but part of me is still reserved. I want to I love the excitement I love the excitement that someone else is watching as well. Is this normal thought process?

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hello Stacie,

      Thank you so much for writing with your question. I want you to rest assured, your thought process is very normal.

      Most of us in the swinging lifestyle were introduced to this relationship model as adults, as this is not a lifestyle option we would have been introduced to growing up.

      This is what can make getting into the swinging lifestyle difficult at first…we don’t have anything to base this relationship model by. Most of us have only been introduced to the traditional monogamous partnering. Every lesson we have been taught about what makes up a healthy, happy and strong marriage is from this monogamous platform, and these lessons run deep. So deep within us, that we don’t even think to question the validity of these “truths.” I think this is where so much of the confusion or down right defiance comes from about swinging. Swinging is seen as being so far outside the norm that it can’t possibly work. After all, haven’t we all been taught that if we want to have sex with someone other than our partner that we must not love our partner, or at the very least, they must not be satisfying us at some level? This deconstructing of our thought pattern can almost feel like a battle taking place. This constant dissecting of what we have been taught to get to our own truth.

      I remember so well thinking this same way. If I sleep with some other man, doesn’t this mean I think there is some deficit in John? Is he really going to be okay with me having sex with someone other than him? Doesn’t this make me some kind of “bad or sinful” person? I had a tornado of thoughts swirling around in my head. I knew deep down I wanted to experience what swinging had to offer, but I had to climb over my teachings first in order to be and feel okay with my decision.

      I began to see that yes, while swinging did incorporate sex, so much of the lifestyle had to do with building a relationship with my partner. I began to understand that swinging also had so much to do with bonding. Those intimate experiences that are brought about through close physical contact. Those true moments of vulnerability, not only with ourselves, but with our partner. Swinging wasn’t about a lack of satisfaction in our partner, but about being so satisfied with each other and so deeply in love that sharing this satisfaction seemed only natural.

      Once I was able to understand the dynamics of swinging and let go of the societal teachings I had been immersed in my entire adult life, did my swinging relationship blossom. I have never felt more free, more loved, or more inclusion, than I feel in this relationship model. I have never felt more empowerment as a woman or more in control of my decisions than I have since opening my arms and heart to being a swinger.

      One more thing…swing at the speed you are comfortable. This is about enhancing the relationship you have with your partner as well as bringing you closer in line with your true self..whatever that turns out to be. Enjoy, breathe, and own every morsel of this beautiful life!

  • Robert & AJ says:

    For the longest time, I taught at the collegiate level…….and felt as though I did it quite well. My evaluations, whether in an introductory class of 200+ or an upper level class of 24, were almost always stellar (“Dr. XXXX rocks!”, “….truly passionate for the subject”, and “……makes me want to learn”). But every once in a while, you’d get one that basically read “You suck……and you should never teach another class ever again!” While there was over whelming evidence that I was doing something that was well received and appreciated, I would dwell upon the one or two that made me feel somewhat less than appreciated……and by doing so caused me to contemplate jumping off of the nearest tall building. I’m not exactly sure as to why we do such things, but when talking to colleagues it seems as though they did this as well. I would proffer that you are doing just that.

    John & Jackie………you are overwhelmingly supported by almost everyone (and certainly within our community). This summer in NOLA, take a minute to ask the folks in your seminar what they think of your lifestyle choices. As for me and AJ, we were both moved to tears to hear Jackie speak about how she was trying to overcome the falsehoods put forth as to how a young woman was to behave growing up in the South. If it was not for that type of honesty…..and outright courage……AJ would be certain that her life, and her values and morals, were somehow less than stellar. And that’s just not so! But she really didn’t feel that way about herself until she spent about an hour listening to you two speak about your relationship and your experiences.

    So….the next time you guys are drawn and transfixed by comments that hurt, please remember that there are a whole bunch of us out here that think of you in a much more appropriate and appreciative manner.

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Dear Robert & AJ,

      Talk about bringing someone to tears! Wow! Now that I have blown my nose and wiped my eyes, I can comment on this beautiful heartfelt note. The first thing I want to say is, thank you! I am always so touched by those who take the time to sit down and construct a response to one of our blogs or videos. I love knowing we are reaching others who want to expand their relationships and want to make their partnerships the focal point in life.

      It’s funny you would write about how focusing on negative comments will overtake any positives we receive. I just last night watched an incredible TED talk on Youtube by Brene Brown, where she discusses this very phenomenon. She talks about worthiness and vulnerability, shame, and how through courage we can transform our life and how we view ourselves.

      One of the greatest hurdles for me in the lifestyle was…permission. Giving myself permission to feel my life. To explore my senses. To close my eyes from everything I had been taught growing up either through religion or society and simply feel. To strip away the constructs of right or wrong, good or bad, and instead focus on what worked for me. To focus on all that was positive. To slather myself in the things that worked in my life. The things that brought me joy and peace and laughter and love. These were the things that kept me safely on the building…enjoying the view!

Leave a Reply