Reconnecting After a Misstep in Open Relationships

 b: Jackie Melfi

Understanding Lifestyle Missteps

The Importance of Communication

Tools for Better Communication

Boundaries: Navigating Trust and Honesty

Embracing Vulnerability and Growth

Moving Forward Together

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Intro Narrator: Hello, and welcome to the Open Love one zero one podcast. This is your show to discuss open relationships, the swinger lifestyle, consensual nonmonogamy, however you describe it. We’re here to talk about it. Your podcast is hosted by John and Jackie Melfi, the force behind the industry famous Colette Swingers Clubs, and the award winning blog, openlove101.com. With over twenty years of combined experience in open relationships and coaching thousands of couples, they’re here to share with you the trials, tribulations, passion, and positivity of love and the lifestyle. And now, your hosts, John and Jackie Melfi.

[00:00:42] John Melfi: And today we’re gonna talk about reconnecting after a lifestyle misstep. Crossing a boundary or not being, sharing when you’re feeling uncomfortable, something like that that causes us to have a little bit of uncomfortability in our relationship.

[00:00:59] Jackie Melfi: Yeah, how do we have that conversation? What does that look like?

[00:01:02] John Melfi: Yeah, and I know a lot of couples that have gone through it, including you and I, and there have been some maybe minor ones that weren’t that challenging to get through, but then there’s been some that we really took work on both of our parts to be able to get through it and to be where we are today.

[00:01:19] Jackie Melfi: Yeah, for sure. And it’s one of those things that it applies to both people in the relationship. Both people have to be willing to kind of put their ego down and really listen to what their partner is saying and do it in a way that’s loving and solution oriented like how do we help each other reach the same goal so that we still stay on the same page? How do I not get defensive? How do I not misread something? And then how do I have the courage to speak up, be an advocate for myself, say the things that I need to say and not be driven by fears or

[00:01:59] John Melfi: And I’m a big proponent of therapy in some

[00:02:01] Jackie Melfi: these things

[00:02:02] John Melfi: because of these things you just mentioned, a lot of those were unable to recognize or to have we don’t have the tools to be able to work through them on our own.

[00:02:11] Jackie Melfi: Yeah.

[00:02:12] John Melfi: And so when you run across something like this, sometimes it’s a solution, one possible solution is to reach out to someone that maybe has those tools and they can help teach you what they are so you can get through whatever it is you’re going through.

[00:02:25] Jackie Melfi: Yeah. And

[00:02:25] John Melfi: we have experience with that too.

[00:02:28] Jackie Melfi: Here’s the thing, more often than not, if we don’t know how to handle a situation and so we use maybe an outdated playbook to come up with a solution for it and it’s not working. What ends up happening is we get deeper and deeper and deeper in the muck of it and it feels more stifling. We feel less in control of what’s going on. We don’t know how to come up with a solution and so we end up actually making it worse on ourselves, because of our lack of tools to solve it. And that’s why it is important at some point to be like, White flag. I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m making it worse instead of better. I need somebody to maybe offer me some tools that will help me and the relationship

[00:03:26] John Melfi: with a Yeah. In a situation like that too where one of you flies the white flag, It’s a partnership and so we both have roles to play and we both have to really be aware of how we react. If you throw that white flag, I have to really be aware of how I’m gonna react to that white flag. And there are times where maybe my past reaction would be one of frustration or anger, makes me mad, how could you do this kind of thing, why would you be doing this now in the middle of this? As opposed to really trying to understand that it’s something’s going on on your side, your partner’s side that’s causing them to feel this way and how can we get through that together and so it’s really important to be empathetic and listen and have an open heart and hold hands and walk through it together.

[00:04:32] Jackie Melfi: A %. A %. Because here’s the thing. We’ve talked a lot, we’ve done a lot of videos on boundaries and you know, maybe the difference between boundaries and rules and why it’s important to have boundaries and have strong communication and and trust. And I’m gonna give you example of why that’s so important. So, you know, I’ll tell you a story about John and I in a time that that I learned a great big huge lesson. So we decided to have, you know, this interaction with these people, and I was excited about doing it. I was gung ho about doing it. And so, you know, we started formatting this kind of, you know, relationship, and then I started to feel uncomfortable. But because I had already said that I had been comfortable with it, I didn’t feel as though I had the right to switch that. Right? So my customary answer started to become, no. That’s fine. Go ahead. Yes. That’s okay. All the while secretly hoping that at some point, you know, John would say, you know what? I really don’t wanna do this. And I’d be like, yes. I didn’t have to risk anything or what I saw as a risk of being honest. So it wasn’t that I was lying to him but I was lying through admission. Right? So I was lying by saying it was okay when it really wasn’t. And that is one of those things when we talk about boundaries and the importance of having it because you may think, well, if I just say it’s okay, this one time or if I say it’s okay this other time, that it’s not going to have any kind of ramifications to it. But here’s the thing. Once we are dishonest with ourselves, that doesn’t leave us. That sits there and it becomes a boiling pot with a lid stuck on it. And eventually, the more you do that and the more of a false narrative that you give your partner, it’s gonna erupt. You’re gonna blow that lid off of that pot at some point, and then it’s going to be much bigger than it could have been because now you’re not dealing with just the one incident or the one fear. You’re dealing with multiple, and now your partner’s confused because they’ve been doing what you said you were okay with them doing. But now you’re saying, no. For this period of time, I wasn’t okay with it. But you’re not willing to say, was really in fear of telling you and I was afraid this was going to happen and I didn’t want you to know that I was afraid that this was happening and I was afraid I was going to lose you and then I was afraid if I said no at that point that I was going to lose you. It just becomes this huge loop and it gets really messy and, you do feel out of control. You feel like, I don’t know how to contain this. So now I’m up against kind of this I call it hugging the hurricane, you know, where you just you’re just at this point, you’re just trying to hold on. And as a result of that, you know, it ends up being these conversations where you’re playing catch up. You have to go back to the beginning and you have to have the conversation all the way through the incidents that have transpired. And then it’s there is a form of rebuilding trust. You know? Well, you said it was okay and now it’s not not okay. And now I I I need to know then the next time I ask you something, I have to know and be able to trust that you’re gonna give an answer that shows that you’re an advocate for yourself, that what you’re saying is really what you mean. And it was at that point that I reached out to somebody. Was like, okay. I obviously have some fears here that I’m still operating under from when I was much younger. And they’ve become so habitualized that I just think it’s like who I am, like it’s natural instead of something learned. I need to unlearn these things. And, you know, thank goodness the two of us were able to, you know, work through that and, you know, have a lot of support from you, a lot of support from myself. I was able to, understand that I could tell you what was really going on with me and that you would be empathetic to that. And that had a lot, to do with my trust of you being able to handle me, like in my truth. Those were tough times but they were really, really pivotal and, kind of slingshot at us through to where we are today, to a degree I I didn’t actually, I didn’t think I was gonna be able to get to because of of how much fear I was operating under, you know, in the past.

[00:10:07] John Melfi: And you know that that fear so I’ve I’ve felt that kind of fear that that I saw you go through. And it really does seem like it’s so painful and it’s really huge. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like a nuclear bomb going off inside of us. I mean, really is. We blow it out of proportion. Really, you start going through and learning where the fear stems from and how to maybe get through that fear, it starts minimizing it and becomes less of a nuclear bomb down to just a a firecracker. And to see you grow through that, one thing I do have I’ve seen other couples go through the similar similar experience and the the the partner that was seeing someone else or doing whatever they were doing continues to do it and say, well, you need to get through this. And I’ve seen I’ve seen marriages end that way. Yeah. And I think it’s important it was important for me Jackie to understand in this relationship that we’re in, it’s about us. And no matter what happens on the outside, if you feel uncomfortable, I’m gonna take a step back and taking that step back, it could be a big step. That’s really important to show your support for your partner. You know, I I really don’t believe if I if I hadn’t done that, I don’t think you could have taken the steps you took to learn to get through it.

[00:11:45] Jackie Melfi: Yeah.

[00:11:46] John Melfi: That it’s really detrimental when you wanna put your heels in and and and hold on to to what you think is what, you know, you deserve to have this thing that’s going on here. And for me, I just really wanted to see you somehow get through because I I knew for me when I did how freeing it was.

[00:12:08] Jackie Melfi: Yeah. I

[00:12:09] John Melfi: think that’s what you’re experiencing now. So

[00:12:11] Jackie Melfi: Well, and not to interrupt, but I, you know, I do I wanna clarify, even through this, it wasn’t the relationship model that I was struggling with.

[00:12:22] John Melfi: Right.

[00:12:23] Jackie Melfi: I mean, I still love the relationship model that we had. I mean, like, I didn’t wanna give up that freedom. But what happened in having this relationship model is it brought to the surface some of the fears, and what I call character defects that I was laboring under for decades. And it forced me to face them. Like, it really forced me to face some of the stuff that I was doing that was not a benefit to myself. It was keeping me from growing. And it just so happened that this relationship model was the one that surfaced it. So, I mean, it’s interesting how much gratitude I have for the relationship model that we’re in because I don’t know that I would have faced this had I not been in it and then been able to grow and be the woman that I am today.

[00:13:21] John Melfi: And that’s the freedom I’m speaking about.

[00:13:23] Jackie Melfi: Right.

[00:13:23] John Melfi: Yeah. It’s the when I am in fear, it puts me in a cage.

[00:13:29] Jackie Melfi: Yeah.

[00:13:30] John Melfi: And I can’t live my life when I’m in certain kinds of fear. Yeah. And when you’re able to walk through that fear, definitely, the door of the cage opens up and you can experience you can experience more life without having that feeling all the time pulling you down. And that’s the big change I saw in you after going through all that. Right. And you’re right, I’m grateful for it too. It was really challenging and difficult. But if we hadn’t had that experience, we wouldn’t be where we are today. And I really love where we are today.

[00:13:59] Jackie Melfi: Right. Well, and it taught me just like one last tidbit. It taught me how to be an advocate for myself in a calm, articulate way. You know? And that was that was another thing. Fear can cause this to shut down. And the next thing we know we’re just, you know, we’re just flailing around trying to to say something, but we’re not really getting our point across. And so to be able to be calm and understand that I can have a response in a calm manner and not have a reaction, in order to get my fear up on the surface and and said out loud. That was that was a big turning point for me. That was kind of that point. I was like, oh, I kinda feel like an adult now. I can say this thing without having all this anxiety about it. And I think it really changed our relationship as well for the better.

[00:14:57] John Melfi: No, it did absolutely.

[00:14:58] Jackie Melfi: Yeah. A %. So anyway, yeah. Yeah.

[00:15:02] John Melfi: So that really that’s one example of how we went through something. Yeah. I wouldn’t call it a misstep. Well, if there is, it was it was not being an advocate for yourself. Not standing up for yourself.

[00:15:13] Jackie Melfi: Yes. That would be a misstep.

[00:15:16] John Melfi: Yeah. Not being true to yourself.

[00:15:18] Jackie Melfi: Right.

[00:15:18] John Melfi: And it’s it’s always important to sum up your courage to be able to voice how you’re feeling with your partner.

[00:15:26] Jackie Melfi: You got to. I mean, if you can’t do it with your partner

[00:15:31] John Melfi: I don’t know.

[00:15:32] Jackie Melfi: I mean, I don’t

[00:15:32] John Melfi: I don’t know. So thank you guys for joining us today. Be sure and check us out on openlevel101.com. Sign up for our email list. And we’ll see you next time.

[00:15:44] Jackie Melfi: See you.

Jackie

Courtney is the Marketing Director for Openlove101 and colette Clubs.