Well by now anyone remotely close to a TV, computer, internet, news article, cell phone, or water cooler, has heard about the breach of personal information leaking from the Ashley Madison cheating site. Being a swinger, I am particularly interested in the dynamics of this story. The story goes something like this-join this (supposedly private) site and you are given permission from the internet gods to cheat on your spouse or significant other without repercussions! Have fun! Enjoy yourself! Have crazy, lusty, forbidden sex with someone new and exciting! What’s the tag line…”Life is short, have an affair!” I just shake my head. Really?! THIS is more accepted than swinging? Really?! Really?! What is wrong with society? I’ll tell you. In short, we are taught a big fat lie! Sexual monogamy is crammed down our throats…”be with only one person,” “true love only looks in the eyes of their partner,” “if you truly loved me you wouldn’t look at anyone else!” The sad thing is, we as a population actually buy into this train of thought, whether through our religious belief, governments control of consensual adult entertainment, news outlets, and even the medical community. At the end of the day, sex is the culprit … at least in the eyes of most, if not all the above mentioned outlets. Well, I for one don’t buy it … not anymore! And I will tell you why, if you put swinging in one column and cheating in another column, it would look something like this:
1. Sexual communication: I get to talk about sex with my spouse. The really deep, dirty, sexy, naughty, fantasy conversation about my most primal desires sex talk.
2. Communication to reality: Not only do swingers get to talk about their fantasies, they work together to bring those fantasies into reality … together … with each other … as a team!
3. Sexual Freedom: Swingers also don’t buy into the very dated and ridiculous thought pattern of sexual monogamy being natural for humans. Swingers are much more conscious of who they are as beings in the animal kingdom and simply flow with the natural state of our design.
4. Integrity: According to its definition, integrity is, “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.” One of a swingers finer qualities, is the fact they are honest with each other, and take great pride in the level of honesty shared between the partners. Now for moral principle, it gets even better, because the definition of morality is, “a particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person.” Hhmmm, interesting, because this is exactly what a swinger couple works to achieve … adhering to a system of values, values like, abundance, acceptance, closeness, devotion (check out the list of 418 values on Steve Pavlina’s site: https://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/list-of-values.htm)
5. Commitment: Wow! I learned something new today. While being on the definition band wagon, I looked up commitment and found two different ways to define it. (1) the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. and (2) an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. Amazing! It’s like finding a two for one special for your favorite product. This is almost too easy … the swinger community definitely fits the definition of #1. The swinger is dedicated. The whole goal of swinging is to expand the beauty and grace of the partnership, to build on a foundation of bringing out the best of each other and sharing in that growth. Unfortunately, too often, commitment is viewed as defined in #2 … something restrictive … something that ends up creating … Ashley Madison!
1. Lies: I already don’t like this list. Lies are given to people who aren’t important enough for the truth! “I don’t value this relationship or you enough to share my whole self.” “I can’t trust you with the truth of myself.” “If we don’t follow the rules we won’t be accepted by society.” It is astounding to me that society is more accepting of lying to each other to maintain some false facade of “morality” then to teach honesty. Because lets face it, the only reason Ashley Madison is even a story is because it leaked, otherwise it would and I’m sure still is, going strong.
2. Integrity. There is none. Go back to the list of values I listed that are so strong with swinging. They are nonexistent with cheaters.
3. Cheating: I’m shaking my head as I type this word. Everything around this term is bothersome. It’s about dishonesty, trickery, deliberately violating the rules. It is so sad to me that adults … grown ups… people who are supposed to want to take responsibility for their lives, allow a system to dictate their most precious possession … their partner. Again, this is all about a couple trying to maintain a code of conduct that science has proven time and time again is not natural.
4. Trust. Or should I say distrust? Maybe, when you first subscribe to AM, everyone still trusts each other…until someone gets caught.
5. Destruction of Relationships: Yes, the Ashley Madison leak will destroy relationships. Yes, 37 million people took to the internet in spite of what it would do to their relationship. But what I think just might be the bigger picture is, 37 million people joined Ashley Madison. Makes you wonder how many millions more hadn’t made it to the site yet. The vast number alone should say something to us all about whether the traditional definition of monogamy is worth all this pain and suffering.
The one obvious thing both groups DO have in common is they are both having sex with someone other than their partner. And that’s it. That’s the only thing that swinging and Ashley Madison have in common. Other than Sex, there are Zero benefits to being on Ashley Madison, but so many benefits to swinging. Of course, no relationship is bullet proof and no one is shielded from a relationship coming to a close, but for those of you in the swinging community who have taken the time and effort to create a tailor made relationship, one steeped in respect, love, honesty, integrity, honor, and devotion, I say, swing on!
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.