Visiting a Swingers’ Club

Ask John & Jackie: Single Women and the World of Consensual Nonmonogamy

Do you have tips/advice for single females? I have been observing for 2 years. Got to know some wonderful people. When I decided I found a couple I was attracted to, he wanted it, she was hesitant and it was just a bad experience all the way around. Now I’m back to being shy and scared again. I just want to safely explore and play.

Thanks so much for your email. You bring up a great question. How can single women maneuver in the world of consensual nonmonogamy?

Well, pretty much just like they maneuver in the world of dating. Sure, you are going from two to a trio, so you do have the added effort of bringing together more personalities and more expectations, but it is achievable.

We all know the dating world is going to come with its share of “duds” and a sprinkling of “studs.” Hey, it’s all a part of filtering out what we are hoping to find in a partner. You said yourself, the “date” was off to a rocky start, so it’s not surprising the result was less than stellar.

What you can take from the experience is the lesson, now you definitely know what you are NOT looking for when it comes to honing in on a couple. You are learning things like boundaries and self-confidence (yes, I know it doesn’t feel like you learned self-confidence) and what you want. That my friend is self value. You are learning what YOU want!

The tendency to want to retreat can feel very real. We are already exploring something that may feel is a little “too out there,” so reverting back to the shy and scared can be an easy transition.

It’s times like this, I want you to remember all the benefits of consensual nonmonogamy. To remind yourself why exploring this relationship option is so important. I have seen hundreds of single women come into our clubs, nervous as all get out, and within hours, they are back telling me how much they love being able to express who they really are. They have given themselves permission, for maybe the first time in their lives to live authentically. To accept themselves for what they want in life and what they have to offer.

I hope you will take the experience you had and turn it around in your favor. You have much to offer and I just know you will grow from the wisdom you have acquired.

Keep doing you,


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