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Ask John & Jackie: Single Women and the World of Consensual Nonmonogamy

By June 18, 2019 July 25th, 2019 Swing Lifestyle Articles
Visiting a Swingers’ Club

Do you have tips/advice for single females? I have been observing for 2 years. Got to know some wonderful people. When I decided I found a couple I was attracted to, he wanted it, she was hesitant and it was just a bad experience all the way around. Now I’m back to being shy and scared again. I just want to safely explore and play.

Thanks so much for your email. You bring up a great question. How can single women maneuver in the world of consensual nonmonogamy?

Well, pretty much just like they maneuver in the world of dating. Sure, you are going from two to a trio, so you do have the added effort of bringing together more personalities and more expectations, but it is achievable.

We all know the dating world is going to come with its share of “duds” and a sprinkling of “studs.” Hey, it’s all a part of filtering out what we are hoping to find in a partner. You said yourself, the “date” was off to a rocky start, so it’s not surprising the result was less than stellar.

What you can take from the experience is the lesson, now you definitely know what you are NOT looking for when it comes to honing in on a couple. You are learning things like boundaries and self-confidence (yes, I know it doesn’t feel like you learned self-confidence) and what you want. That my friend is self value. You are learning what YOU want!

The tendency to want to retreat can feel very real. We are already exploring something that may feel is a little “too out there,” so reverting back to the shy and scared can be an easy transition.

It’s times like this, I want you to remember all the benefits of consensual nonmonogamy. To remind yourself why exploring this relationship option is so important. I have seen hundreds of single women come into our clubs, nervous as all get out, and within hours, they are back telling me how much they love being able to express who they really are. They have given themselves permission, for maybe the first time in their lives to live authentically. To accept themselves for what they want in life and what they have to offer.

I hope you will take the experience you had and turn it around in your favor. You have much to offer and I just know you will grow from the wisdom you have acquired.

Keep doing you,



  • Lynn Moorhead says:

    Hi Jackie,

    I think you nailed the essence of the response, but left out one encouraging factor that seems to prevail in all my reading and research, single women tend to be the elusive and highly sought after “Unicorn”, so she is more likely to have her “pick of the litter” given a little time and patience… And she should feel confident in that fact as well.

    Thanks for another great post.
    Lynn M.

  • Meghan Dodge says:

    Hi there, just wanted to add my two cents and say that non- monogamous single females have lots of options to pursue, not just being the third for a couple. Exploring threesomes with a couple is definitely fun but not the only way to practice non monogamy when single!

    • Charlotte York says:

      What are other options to pursue for a single nonmonogamous woman? I’m new and would love to know more.

  • Daisy says:

    With being single too you may think about just playing solo with the guy or his partner can watch! Even if you are exclusively looking for a couple the dynamics are always going to be different each time even with the same couple which makes it exciting! Just keep trying and have fun and don’t have any expectations and I’m sure it was probably a little nervousness on your side as well being your first experience..it gets easier so just have fun! Love and light on your journey!

  • John says:

    After “observing” for two years, I’d guess that most of the regulars already have the OP pegged as a permanent non-participant. We’ve had a woman at our parties who did that for over twenty years. She wasn’t at all shy or scared, she just liked the social aspect of it.

    A couple things the OP might consider:

    1. Single guys. If there are any at the parties or clubs she attends, they’re the hottest of the hot and extremely well behaved. Why else would we let them in? They’re strictly looking for fun, not commitment.

    2. Experienced couples. The hesitant wife or girlfriend and the requirement for full swap are often characteristic of the inexperienced. My wife and I have arrived at the point where we’re basically both free agents. It’s simpler that way, especially for her. She hates those “If you want me your wife has to do him” situations. Talk about it openly and directly early on in the conversation with a new couple. Ask the woman if she has any problem with you borrowing her man.

    The most important thing is for the OP to get to where sex isn’t all that big a deal.

    — J.S.

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