John and I both value the benefits of making love. Not only do we see the benefits emotionally and physically, but it feels wonderful! We have learned through trial-and-error the types of touch and experience that bring us to an orgasmic state with each other.
Sometimes we can be in such a heightened sexual state that our orgasms arrive fairly quickly. Other times, we relish in the slow erotic stretches of time in which we push our orgasms to the edge, only to reign them back in before allowing the cascade of release to envelop our bodies. Not only do these long stretches of lovemaking leave us feeling spent they’re also time well spent.
I remember one lovemaking session in particular. John and I were on a business trip checking up on the swingers club in New Orleans, and we had taken a break from work to make our way into the bedroom for some “afternoon delight.”
The lovemaking was different. After John had finished, I said I wasn’t done. Instead of feeling like I was monopolizing the moment, I simply allowed myself to feel all of the sensations swirling within my body. The sensation of being touched a certain way, how those sensations changed whenever I moved.
I didn’t think about how much time I was taking or concern myself with how I looked, or how I was moving, or the fact that John was watching me. I simply surrendered to my body. This yielding, reminded me of a passage I had read by Esther Perel in her book, “Mating in Captivity,” when she says,
“We are socialized to tame our primal side: our unruly impulses, our sexual urges, and our rapacious appetites…We don’t even entertain the idea that surrender can be emotionally or spiritually enlightening. But experiencing a temporary suspension of our discernible self is often liberating and expansive.”
My surrender became a deep internal symphony of connection. I remember thinking I could actually feel my orgasm deep within my body, as though it were trapped behind some kind of barrier at my core.
Every time John would touch me, he would brush against the outer reaches of my orgasm, but somehow he couldn’t break through. I became so engulfed by this whole experience that space and time became irrelevant.
My only concern was reaching this core deep within my body. I needed to break past this barrier which held my orgasm captive. John and I began to move in harmony, my body directing each movement, instructing us both in how to proceed. I was no longer in control, I was at the mercy of my orgasm.
My breath became much more rapid, my eyes closed, and I began to feel the barrier come down, I knew my orgasm was being set free.
Much to my surprise, I began to cry, not because I was in pain but because my body felt as though it was releasing pent up emotions held deep within my core. I felt my legs go numb, my body arched, and my core lit up like a light being turned on as my orgasm exploded through me.
This release was followed by a massive exhale and then stillness. I was completely spent. I was free from any pressure points, from any pain–total relaxation. I felt free from any burdens or negative energy. I had released it all.
Words cannot describe the gratitude I felt towards myself.
I had given myself permission to fully embrace my orgasm. I embraced each and every sensation, each and every vibration, each and every moment. I was also grateful to my husband for taking the time and having the patience (and me too for that matter) to allow this sexual renewal.
I had never experienced anything so cleansing! This is what I believe Esther Perel was talking about when she says if we can learn to surrender, we can become enlightened, liberated, and expansive. I had given myself permission to experience my body without restraint.
Here is my challenge. The next time you and your partner are having sex…let go.
Don’t concern yourself with what is going on outside of the bedroom.
Don’t think about what you are going to fix for dinner, or the appointments you have the next day.
View the time with your partner as a vacation, a place where you don’t have to make any decisions or feel responsible. Allow yourself to step outside of your world and see where the experience takes you.
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.