Swinging As A Solution

By November 6, 2018 Uncategorized

We received a call from a couple who didn’t identify themselves as swingers. They have been in a monogamous marriage for some time now, but the husband had been voicing his issues with wanting more freedom. He also felt that if he didn’t get that, there’s no other solution than a divorce.

So how did the wife respond? How would you respond in that scenario?

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5 Comments

  • mark says:

    We agree with a large percentage of things we’ve seen from you 2, but we strongly disagree that presenting changing to a poly, swing, or open relationship as an ultimatum before divorce is acceptable.

    It strikes us a way to “pre-date” and keep a safety net until one finds the person they want to leave their partner for.

    Even the check-up phone call mentioned, seems to be a signal of “I know I’m doing something you don’t want me to and only agreed to under pressure, so I want to make sure you’re not changing the locks while I’m out,” more than being of concern or caring.

    In our experience a person playing when their partner “knows” is very different than that partner approving or encouraging, or discussions taking place and an open relationship organically unfolding.

    It can be dangerous (mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically) for those who play with the one who told their partner they have decreed a new order in the relationship, because the non-active partner is forced to accept the new order … and resentment WILL follow.

    Additionally, the entire premise (as we are understanding from the video) takes away from swinging being a team sport (for both to ENJOY) and smacks of it being a painful sacrifice so someone can hold on to something parasitic.

    Experience has shown us that SUCCESSFUL couples in open/poly/swing relationships, do not enter under duress, and don’t have to work to convince their partner to get in the lifestyle or tell them they’ve already started and aren’t going to stop.

    To each their own, but this smells strongly of a broken relationship and a husband that wants his wife’s blessing so that he can have his cake and eat it too.

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hi Mark,

      Thank you for your interest in this blog. I too don’t advocate swinging as a cure all for a marriage in trouble. Marriages on the brink of collapse typically struggle with the extreme changes opening up a relationship can bring. But in the case of this story, the timeline John and I were dealing with was already coursing down a path. The couple had already chosen to embark on this opening journey together. I am not one to tell someone what they should or shouldn’t be doing when it comes to their relationship. After all, a couple is going to know much better than I will about the depths the relationship can handle. This couple had reached out to us because, even though they had decided to give the more open relationship format a try, they were still in unfamiliar territory and in need of guidance. That was when I stepped in. The decision for the husband to engage with another female was already in motion. The wife was not opposed to the idea (remember she was the one who had suggested the option of opening the relationship instead of automatically going down the divorce path) this couple really did love each other still. Because this engagement with another was brand new to both of them, the wife needed tools. Ways in which to walk and talk herself through what was happening. Remember, that just because we may be in agreement to an action, doesn’t mean we will always know how we will respond. The wife was experiencing some fears (which again, is normal) her desire to see what was taking place from a more loving environment was paramount to her. She knew society would view what she was doing through a narrow scope, but she also knew she wanted to give this a try. She and I talked about her fears, whether the fears were founded in fact, and how through society we can be taught to have the fears we have.

      The phone call she received from her husband was a call the two of them had discussed prior to him leaving. Don’t forget, he was nervous and dealing with his own set of fears as well. This was new territory for both of them. The phone call proved a few things. 1) That he knew and understood the importance of following through with a guideline, and 2) she was able to see her value through this call, and finally they both took what was transpiring seriously.

      Never once in my conversation with this woman did I get the impression that she was forced into anything. His desire remember, wasn’t so much wanting to experience other people because he didn’t love his wife, he loved her very much. But how do move forward, when society tells you the only option is divorce. This wife talked about her own desires and thoughts of maybe sometime down the road wanting to experience her own “opening. While swinging is a joint effort, both partners don’t have to keep pace with each other. I know in my own relationship, John “plays” much more than I do.

      This couples decision to try a more open concept was not rash. They had several lengthy conversations, both being on board…not so much out of fear of losing a marriage, but as a way to strengthen the marriage by using different tools. I commend any couple who takes strides in viewing all options available. Will their marriage survive the alteration? That will be for them to decide, but all I know is how encouraging it is that this couple felt they had options other than divorce.

      Jackie

  • David says:

    The last two videos and your last article you wrote have been amazing. We are a monogamous couple that have great marriage and healthy sex life. Due to my travel schedule at the moment we see each other only 2 days a week. As you can imagine we have sex those 2 days. We did have a little problem yesterday. We are laying in bed and neither of us was completely in the mood because day before we had amazing sex. She left the room to get something and I pulled out my phone and started reading your article Principles of open relationship. She came in and asked what I was reading. So we laid in bed silently as we both read the article then we had an amazing conversation about the article and it opened up a dialogue between the 2 of us about her fears my fear of if we don’t try some new adventures that we might get old and look back and say, why did we not try some of this stuff. We talked about shame and guilt she feels. I shared with her about my fantasies and why I feel the way I do about them for her and I to enjoy them together as a team. Not the first time I have shared with her about my fantasies, but the conversation flowed so much better after reading the article you wrote. We were both very open in the conversation without any judgement. You are putting out there some great stuff for us monogamous folks. Keep it coming.

  • Josie says:

    We’ve had a similar experience in our relationship, and we’ve been together for 15 years. What kind of advice can you offer in cases where husband wants to have a sexual experience with a friend? In this case, the friend does not want our other close mutual friends to know about it. I guess it makes me uncomfortable, as it feels like shame to me. Any advice?

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      I guess, my first thought to your question would be whether or not you have asked your friend this question? If not, that’s where I would start.

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