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Building Trust Through Swinging

By August 16, 2016 August 14th, 2017 Swing Lifestyle Articles

As most of you know, I keep a diary. A collection of thoughts, stories and tidbits about my life. Not only do I find this daily writing to be of great importance to my writing in general, but it also provides me with a mirror—a way to see the progression or regression of my life.

What have I learned? What do I struggle with? What do I believe?

The diary has become my gauge; a marker for where I am in my life. As I was looking back over the past month or so, I came across an entry about a date John had with a young woman, and I was struck by my thoughts on the whole experience. My entry confirmed that in the heat of the moment swinging has changed my thought pattern. I want to share the entry with you so that you can see how a slight alteration in how one thinks can open up a whole new world; one with unlimited opportunities; one in which the burdens of an antiquated thought pattern can be permanently eradicated.

Diary Entry:

The highlight of the day was John’s date with ________. She is a young woman John met on Tinder. He had gone to dinner with her a few weeks ago, but today, he brought her over to the house. She seems very sweet, and I liked her right away. John likes her too.

While I worked, the two of them hung out. They sat in the backyard talking and kissing. I was so busy working, I never thought to check on them, so I missed their make-out session. What I didn’t miss though, was the lovemaking John and I shared after his date.

So John spent a wonderful afternoon sharing who he was with his new friend. I also enjoyed talking with her as well. After he dropped her off at home, we made love while recounting the afternoon. You could tell John was overcome with emotion.

When your life is accepted by your partner, it’s a powerful thing. It’s not about sex (even though sex is pretty hot!), it’s about inclusion. It’s about loving who someone is, period! When you know you are loved at this level, the gratitude you have for the other person is immeasurable.

You never want to be without it. To simply love each other with open arms. Open arms enough to embrace as many lives as we can. The more you allow yourself to love, the bigger your love becomes.

When I think back on the events of the day, I am reminded of how important trust is in a relationship. Trusting your partner does something to you…to both of you.

The feelings that are cultivated for each other are completely counter to what society says is supposed to happen in a normal, healthy relationship. Society will have you believe that part of being in a relationship revolves around permission; “allowing” your partner to do or not do something. There is an undercurrent of distrust being taught to generations of couples which reveals itself through this permission or allotment.

Because trust is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone, this trust should spread into all areas of one’s relationship. Because, and I have said this before, trust is also about believing what our partner tells us. If John tells me he loves me and shows me his love, then it is my responsibility to believe him. I should not pick and choose my trust for him, and I definitely should not give the impression that I do not trust him in certain situations.

If I were to do that, then I am essentially saying he is lying to me. If John says he loves me, then his lunch date or having sex with another woman does not affect his love for me. Society says it will, but my relationship proves it does not have to. John and I  can be honest with each other about what we want to do. Counter to what we have been taught, freedom through honesty and trust actually brings John and I closer to each other. It is the deception that separates people…not the truth.

Conversely, the other side of the truth coin is being open to the truth. It is going to be difficult for me to feel that I can be truthful if it is going to result in anger. We cannot tell someone to be truthful with us and then punish them for their honesty. When we respond in this way, we shut down any dialogue for honest communication. This is why I believe John and I have a strong cornerstone in our relationship structure. We are truthful with each other. We give and receive our truth with love and the utmost respect for the partnership we have. We have chosen to believe each other. We have chosen love.

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11 Comments

  • Annoyed Reader says:

    I thought this was going to be about building trust through swinging, yet it is just blah blah I feel, society sucks, blah blah. Nothing about building trust just the authors feelings on her trust and how it is her responsibility to do so. Wth. What trust was gained and how did it come from Swinging? I was interesteď to see the authors thoughts on this, but alas. Another misleading title. Sigh. Miving on.

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Dear Annoyed Reader,

      I am so glad you commented! Your right, I could have done a better job getting my point across. Even after I wrote this blog, I wasn’t sure if it conveyed exactly what I was trying to say about trust. How has trust been built through my swinging? Being introduced to the swinging lifestyle by my husband John, I learned I could reveal who I was without fear of judgement. He taught me to be proud of who I was. He encouraged me to share with him all of the secret places I held deep within myself. Those places I was sure no one would understand or accept. He supported my choices and constantly affirmed his love and devotion to me. His consistency gave me a safe place in which to be vulnerable. A place I could begin to heal. A place in which trust began to sprout. Even though I had been in long term relationships prior to reconnecting with John, it was John who really taught me the value of trust. In swinging, trust is pivotal. Each time John and I would be honest with each other about a sexual fantasy for instance, we knew we could do so without fear. Each time we planned a sexual experience, we gained even more trust. To be able to go to your partner and say you want to embrace a moment that includes a third or fourth person and have your partner say, absolutely, strips away a layer of protection we have, to expose a more true self. Swinging provides this exposure. It is about saying there is a side of me I want you to see, and if we are going to be life partners, it is important that I feel I can share this with you. The traditional monogamous relationships I was in did not provide this, but my swinging lifestyle has. There is also an assurance you have with your partner that the relationship is the top of the pyramid. The pinnacle. In swinging you also understand that trust is built through the actions and words and attitude of both partners. We can trust our partner with our vulnerabilities because we know they will not use those moments of honesty against us. We can trust our partner loves us, not only because they tell us and show us, but because we have chosen to trust them as well. Trust builds trust. My swinging relationship has shown me how trust is built through our acceptance of our partner. The walls we have spent a lifetime building in an attempt to protect ourselves can begin to be dismantled when we are loved unconditionally. This is trust at its finest and it does come with an enormous amount of responsibility. Trust through swinging is about letting go. It’s about believing our partner and about honoring our partner through this trust. Sure, there are all kinds of relationships out there who have built powerful partnerships, not just swingers, but it has been my experience that swinging has given me a partnership in which trust has a much deeper meaning.

  • bryce says:

    This story sounds male sided. John meets a girl on Tinder, where you included in the hunt, the the pick up, the romance? I would like to hear how this works on the other side of the coin.

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hi Bryce,

      I can see where you might come to the conclusion the story is geared towards a more male sided scenario, especially since the focus of the story is about John and his female friend. Rest assured though, I was very much involved in the days events, even if from the surface it may appear otherwise. One of the things I love about our swinging relationship is the fluidity of the interactions we have with others. Each experience is unique. Sometimes we may elect to be involved physically throughout an entire interaction, other times we may elect to save our involvement for afterwards.

      I had been aware of this woman for some time before John asked to bring her to our home. I had seen pictures of her and had seen the texting conversations between her and my husband. John and I had discussed her coming to the house, and I encouraged the date. As I had written in the article, nothing more than some heavy kissing had taken place between the two of them, as they spent time getting better acquainted. On this particular day, I did not feel the need to be involved in this process. We have since had other instances in which this woman has come to our home and I have been totally focused on her company. I feel it is important to point out this same thing happens whenever I have a male friend over. Sometimes John is active in the encounter and other times he is not. I love having the option in deciding whether or not I want to participate completely or simply interact with John when we are alone. No set rules…just a boundless arena in which to show and express our love for each other.

  • Kim says:

    Thanks Jackie for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing such an intimate aspect of your life so that your readers can benefit. Genrously allowing for and being with Johns experience of pleasure without you was amazing. It is what many couples struggle with I am sure of, that is, trust of the other and the self-depreciating thoughts that follow (I’m not enough, not sexy, etc.). Thank you again.

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hi Kim,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I love looking back on my life and seeing the growth I have experienced. I love seeing the ebb and flow of my thought pattern and how it begins to alter as I become more comfortable in living my authentic life. Trust in myself, has been one of the biggest hurdles I have had to learn to overcome in my life. I didn’t realize how much of a roll this lack of trust in myself played until I began to build the trust. I was forever second guessing myself, always wondering if I was enough. When I began the process of building the trust I had in myself, was I able to trust others. This was pivotal in my relationships…all of them. I could relax. I could trust my partner, in part because I had learned to trust myself. This process of trust took some time, but each of us were committed to showing each other our trust through words and actions. We gave each other this time, we relished the course and grew closer as a result.

  • Kim says:

    Hi Jackie,

    You are so welcome.

    I realize your response to my letter does not require a response from me yet something you said struck me to such a degree I felt I must.

    You mentioned a lack of trust; that you didn’t trust that you were enough or that you could trust others. This has been an area of struggle for me that is for ever sneaking back into my thoughts. It is with my partner, yet generally and overall with myself – trusting that I am enough for everyone and everything that I take on. It is quite poisonous this lack of self-trust and endemic. I didn’t realized it was the lack of trust in myself that has been getting in the way of so many of my goals.

    Thank you again for your wisdom.

  • Macattack says:

    This blows my mind, we are trying to see if our trust and honesty is strong like we think it is. But as a man I’m very jealous over my beautiful wife! But I love her so much, I like the thought of any good emotions,feelings or thoughts! Its a battle because I have lied to her in the past and her to me,we have moved past that now and we are totally honest. We both have had thoughts of bringing others into our relationship and this article/blog and the replies say a lot.

  • Edie says:

    Jealousy’s mistake
    I didn’t think I would be jealous of my husband’s ex college girlfriend and him having sex with her. It had been 30+ years since he was with her that way. He was on his first ever vacation without me, back in his college town, and taking his friend out to dinner. I suggested he could have sex with her if he wanted to. We have had sex with others before and I had no problem with it.

    After things progressed and he explained to this woman that he wasn’t cheating and that I was ok with this, she agreed and they were now in his hotel room. I was in another. It’s but knew it was happening from his text to me. I became so jealous that my stomach hurt, but this was my idea. She wasn’t very attractive and had gained a lot of weight. She didn’t take good care of herself like I do, but he still decided to go for it. Maybe that was the biggest issue I had, he was making exceptions for her. This was a stupid idea that I through out because I wanted to make my husband happy and to believe that I was cooler than I am.

    Long story short, I ended up texting her to tell her this was a one time thing. We lived far away and he didn’t travel without me normally. I even asked if she was ok and if she had any questions for me? I thought I was going about this in the right way. She came back with saying we used her, that she felt foolish and to never contact her again. I lost my husband a long time friend and hurt her feelings. I felt terrible. I apologized and told her I was jealous. That I opened a door that I wasn’t ready to open but that I didn’t know it at the time. She begged me to leave her alone and blocked both of us from her life.

    Jealous feelings are not love but insecurities. My husband told me he was in this with me, that I was the most important person to him and it was probably best to just let her go. I still feel bad that it all ended this way but I learned a big lesson…to be honest with myself from now on. We should have talked about the what if’s before hand.

    Learning from my mistakes is the only way I could move forward from this. I’m still sorry we hurt her but what can I do now?

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