As most of you know, I keep a diary. A collection of thoughts, stories and tidbits about my life. Not only do I find this daily writing to be of great importance to my writing in general, but it also provides me with a mirror—a way to see the progression or regression of my life.
What have I learned? What do I struggle with? What do I believe?
The diary has become my gauge; a marker for where I am in my life. As I was looking back over the past month or so, I came across an entry about a date John had with a young woman, and I was struck by my thoughts on the whole experience. My entry confirmed that in the heat of the moment swinging has changed my thought pattern. I want to share the entry with you so that you can see how a slight alteration in how one thinks can open up a whole new world; one with unlimited opportunities; one in which the burdens of an antiquated thought pattern can be permanently eradicated.
The highlight of the day was John’s date with ________. She is a young woman John met on Tinder. He had gone to dinner with her a few weeks ago, but today, he brought her over to the house. She seems very sweet, and I liked her right away. John likes her too.
While I worked, the two of them hung out. They sat in the backyard talking and kissing. I was so busy working, I never thought to check on them, so I missed their make-out session. What I didn’t miss though, was the lovemaking John and I shared after his date.
So John spent a wonderful afternoon sharing who he was with his new friend. I also enjoyed talking with her as well. After he dropped her off at home, we made love while recounting the afternoon. You could tell John was overcome with emotion.
When your life is accepted by your partner, it’s a powerful thing. It’s not about sex (even though sex is pretty hot!), it’s about inclusion. It’s about loving who someone is, period! When you know you are loved at this level, the gratitude you have for the other person is immeasurable.
You never want to be without it. To simply love each other with open arms. Open arms enough to embrace as many lives as we can. The more you allow yourself to love, the bigger your love becomes.
When I think back on the events of the day, I am reminded of how important trust is in a relationship. Trusting your partner does something to you…to both of you.
The feelings that are cultivated for each other are completely counter to what society says is supposed to happen in a normal, healthy relationship. Society will have you believe that part of being in a relationship revolves around permission; “allowing” your partner to do or not do something. There is an undercurrent of distrust being taught to generations of couples which reveals itself through this permission or allotment.
Because trust is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone, this trust should spread into all areas of one’s relationship. Because, and I have said this before, trust is also about believing what our partner tells us. If John tells me he loves me and shows me his love, then it is my responsibility to believe him. I should not pick and choose my trust for him, and I definitely should not give the impression that I do not trust him in certain situations.
If I were to do that, then I am essentially saying he is lying to me. If John says he loves me, then his lunch date or having sex with another woman does not affect his love for me. Society says it will, but my relationship proves it does not have to. John and I can be honest with each other about what we want to do. Counter to what we have been taught, freedom through honesty and trust actually brings John and I closer to each other. It is the deception that separates people…not the truth.
Conversely, the other side of the truth coin is being open to the truth. It is going to be difficult for me to feel that I can be truthful if it is going to result in anger. We cannot tell someone to be truthful with us and then punish them for their honesty. When we respond in this way, we shut down any dialogue for honest communication. This is why I believe John and I have a strong cornerstone in our relationship structure. We are truthful with each other. We give and receive our truth with love and the utmost respect for the partnership we have. We have chosen to believe each other. We have chosen love.
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.