John and I recently received the following email regarding this question:

Question: Following the notion that an intimate sex experience creates a feeling in the partnership that it is a truly special union (and kept sacred by only sharing intimate sex with your love partner), what then is the essence of what makes it special for the SWINGING LIFESTYLE couple? In other words, what is the difference between the sex experience for your partner with you and your partner with someone else?

“This answer is going to be a piece of cake,” I thought. I absolutely love my marriage with John and adore the extraordinary bond we share. You can imagine my surprise when several days passed and I was still staring at this question. I kept thinking, “What makes my marriage special? EVERYTHING!” But when I sat down to write about “everything” I would get discombobulated.

I realized I was getting caught up in defending the sacredness of my marriage instead of why my swinging marriage embodies a special unique bond between John and I. After examining that bond, I was able to respond to the email:

Answer: I think one of the most important things to remember when entering the swinging or more open relationship concept is to really pinpoint what it is that makes your own relationship special, or in your words, sacred. What is it about your partner that sets him or her apart from everyone else on the planet? What is it that keeps you drawn to them, regardless of whomever you come into contact? Because we will. We will come into contact with others every single day. We will have the option of interacting with people outside our relationship on a daily basis. So what IS IT that keeps you returning to your partner?

I would wager those qualities that keep you bound to your partner go much deeper than holding hands or kissing or even making love. Of course holding hands, kissing, and making love are all integral parts of a whole package, but none of them are the total glue that holds the union together. They ARE special moments we share with our partner, but is it the holding hands, or who we are holding hands with? Is what makes all of these moments special or sacred due to WHO we are sharing those moments with?

For me, every moment I share with John is special. Each interaction I have with my husband is, in your words, sacred. Regardless of how many others I kiss, hold hands or have sex with. None of those others will EVER come close to matching the deep bond and unbelievable unity I have with my spouse. What makes my relationship special and unique is who I share the relationship with.

John is who makes each and every interchange memorable and special. All the years we have invested in our relationship, all those deep seeded revelations we have made to each other about who we are…these are just a few of the examples of what sets our relationship apart from ANY other interaction I have with others. These are the things that make such a powerful alliance between he and I…this is the sacredness within our marriage.

I could make a list of all the qualities I love in my husband, and they are all part of why I love him, but I also think that specialness between two people has so much to do with chemistry, trust, communication, and similar outlooks on life. I do not feel that sex is the primary reason our bond is sacred, but rather our partnership as a whole. We are on the same wavelength and are able to communicate about any and everything. If we took away the sex, John and I would still be madly in love with each other because we truly love each other for who we are.