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Fear and Esteem in Open Relationships – Part 2

By May 1, 2018 May 2nd, 2018 Swing Lifestyle Videos

We continue the conversation from Part 1 about fear and esteem.

Fear can sometimes do things like shut us down and prevent us from having experiences, joy and pleasure, and more.

What is fear stopping you from doing?!

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  • Lynn Moorhead says:

    Hi Guys,

    Another great video. I have to say, your discussion on not having any reference in your history to rely on for an affirmation one way or another reminded me of a concept that is part of the HBO Series Westworld (based on the old Yule Brenner movie), where when the Robots in the series see something that isn’t part of their script (i.e. a cell phone), their packaged response is, “It doesn’t look like anything to me.” LOL! Though for them, in their situation, it has no effect in a positive or negative fashion, I think in your example there is a greater potential for a negative because of the FEAR of the unknown. HA!

    Also, I wondered, do either of you still encounter an unexpected fear or apprehension in this lifestyle, or have you both been part of it long enough now, that there really isn’t anything that catches you off-guard or unprepared? I’m not talking about some creep pushing themselves on you in an unwanted way, because I’m sure you are mostly prepared for that, which sounds like that is a rare issue in the Lifestyle Clubs, but could there be a certain type of guy/girl that one of the two of you would absolutely not want the other to have a relationship with where it might cause you anxiety if they still wanted to?

    Love the VLOG as always.

    Lynn M.

  • Joe n Karina says:

    keep them coming!

  • Randy says:

    Thanks for another great video. In this video you touched on a concept I don’t believe you have discussed before, the idea of conformity. That really resonated with me. Having had a conservative Christian background myself, I can related to your discussions of fear and past training, however more in observation than in personal experience. My faith background taught me that Jesus was all about love, grace, acceptance and NON-conformity. Thus it seems I was fortunate to derive my self esteem internally and not through conformity. Like John, I learned to live for pleasure, love, joy and peace and not to avoid the fear of non-conformity.

    Conformity does seem to be used by churches and many other groups to control people through fear. The need to conform is a powerful fear based motivator that is so hard to overcome. Even amongst lifestyle people it creeps in and cliques form that demand some sort of conformity. We ease our fears by attending events with party themes, so we know how to dress and to fit in/conform. We might listen to Openlove 101 not only to learn to let go past fears but also to avoid new ones and learn how to fit into the lifestyle. Obviously, conformity is not all bad or definitely not avoidable when we are in community. However, it seems to me that when our decisions are controlled by the need to conform, rather than what brings us joy and peace, we lose.

  • Sarah says:

    So, my question, being someone who is with a partner who has been in the swinger world and would like for me to step more into the alternative sexual lifestyle is this: You mentioned “If something feels good, how can it be wrong” and “If something gives me pleasure, how can it be wrong”. I can think of a lot of instances where things that give you “pleasure” or “feel good” are not healthy for you, or are “wrong”. Take your example about smoking cigarettes, we know that the act of smoking a cigarette “feels good” to our bodies, but our brains (or at least for most of us) tell us that it’s “bad” because it’s “not healthy” – there are all sorts of reasons from cancer to simply being a bad habit. Or something else that give us pleasure, like the physical pleasure that the body feels when taking a certain drug – we know that it’s “wrong” or “not healthy”, but our body is telling us that it’s pleasurable. So, given these examples, how do you reconcile or decide what to listen to in terms of what your body says is “right and good” and what your mind says is “unhealthy or scary”? I realize you’re speaking all about fear in this video, and I appreciate that completely and can completely relate, but if we allow ourselves to experience everything simply because it “feels good” or “gives us pleasure”, or because we want the experience rather than the not knowing, then there are a whole host of dangerous things that we could end up doing. This is what I always come back to… Just because something might “feel good”, does that make it something “good to do”?

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