Dear John & Jackie,
I’ve been seeing someone for about 2 months. I’m new to the lifestyle scene… The most difficult part I’m struggling with is jealousy. The thought of my bf with someone else, at times is a turn on… other times I’m in tears over it. Also, I know he REALLY wants me with another woman….but once again, something I’ve never done— sometimes the thought is hot, other times not so much.
When I attempt to discuss my feelings with him, he gets frustrated. I’m trying to be open and communicate…. but when he gets frustrated, I just shut down.
I want to be able to do this…enjoy it with him and others……. but again, jealousy is my biggest obstacle at this point.
Thanks for your help!
New To The Lifestyle
Dear New To The Lifestyle,
I want to share a story with you about the very first time I agreed to a threesome (MFM) with John.
John and I had been dating for several months and had talked about bringing my fantasy of a MFM threesome into the realm of reality. I point out the part where we had dated for months because during the course of our early dating, I agreed and then backed out of several threesome dates John scheduled for us! Like you I would have moments where I thought I was all ready to experience being with my partner and another person, only to get cold feet the closer it came to the date. Fortunately for me, John was uber patient. He understood that even though I was excited about the concept of a threesome, my brain hadn’t quite caught up to such an open relationship approach. I had to take into consideration all the years of indoctrination I had about how a relationship was supposed to look. It took me a minute to dismantle the monogamous platform from which I’d been trained to stand. John gave me the space from which to yo-yo back and forth until one night I realized that the only way I was going to find out whether I would even like a threesome was if I gave myself permission to try it!
I mean it was like an Aha moment! I pulled up my courage and my confidence and told myself, “look sister, you know you want to try this! Own the decision and own the results! Take the reins of your life and spread your wings!” I figured either way, whether I ended up liking the experience or hating it, at least I would know! For some reason that night I was ready to accept the responsibility of my choice. MY choice!
I told John I was ready for the threesome we’d spent months discussing. He made arrangements and off we went. Long story short, I had a fantastic experience! I was so energized by my choice and by my courage that when our play time ended I walked out a different woman.
You wouldn’t necessarily think a threesome would be so life changing, but for me it was. I learned to speak up for myself. I learned to question my own belief systems. I learned to never prejudge what I “think” my response (or reaction) might be. I learned to stop spending so much time wondering what might happen if I did this or that, and got busy doing it so I’d have my answer!
What else have I learned in my almost 9 year journey through my open relationship? I learned I like threesomes! I like seperate play. I also learned that while I appreciate the beauty of women, being with women isn’t something I gravitate towards, but I only learned this because I took the time to find out! I also learned that every single one of my choices was okay.
Now in regards to your partner’s frustration, I can’t say one way or the other where the frustration is stemming from without getting his side of the story. I do know though that open communication is vital in any relationship model, so if you are coming up against a roadblock, the two of you might want to schedule time to visit with John and I through our Openlove101 site.
You’ve got this!
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.