Someone in the swinger lifestyle recently asked me, “How do you not get jealous?”

Well, sometimes I have been. Sometimes my fear becomes greater than my trust. Because to me, that’s what jealousy really is…fear! Whatever that fear may be. When we say we are jealous, aren’t we really saying, “when you do X it triggers a fear in me”?

What’s interesting is that when we have this fear, our first response isn’t typically communication that touches on the fear, but anger at the other person for bringing our fear to the surface. “It’s your fault I feel this way!”

The next thing you know you’re in an argument when really what you wanted was the opposite. I know, at least for me, my fears can stem from being raised to believe that you can only focus your attention on one person and that if you catch yourself thinking or looking at someone else it means there must be something lacking in your current relationship. I know now that this is just not true, but it is still an indoctrination that rears its ugly head from time to time.

So what’s the best way to combat this indoctrination or fear? Communication, affirmation, and trust.

So…

#1: Communication. Calm communication. You will never get past your fear without first admitting what that fear is, both to yourself as well as your partner. Remember, you and your partner are in this together. This is teamwork! It is about fostering growth, about digging deep down in the dirt of ourselves, of turning the soil per se, to create an environment in which to plant new forms of communicating. The times that John and I sat down to talk about something that bothered us, when we tackled fears, where we bravely said, “I’m going to tell you this thing about me that shows what I believe to be an imperfection”, and to have that vulnerability met with open arms not only enriches the bond we already had with each other, but created a strength in which both of us could lean on.

#2: Affirmation. I love this one! There is nothing more touching than to reveal something about ourselves that we struggle with and have it met with an “I love you so much for allowing me to share in who you are.”

#3: Trust. This is gained not only by how we treat each other, but in following through on what we say. For instance, John isn’t just my partner, he is like a parent, sibling, child, partner, lover, friend all rolled into one. Because he is the best of what all those relationships have to offer. He has obtained this badge of honor through trust.

He is like a parent in that I know he will be there if I need him.

He is like a sibling in that I can talk to him about our family and I know we are thicker than water.

He is like a child in that he loves me unconditionally.

He is my friend in the sense that I can tell him my deepest, darkest secrets and he will keep them safely tucked away.

He is my lover in that I can confess my wildest fantasies and he will “play” along with me.

He is my partner because of our love for each other, and it is through all of these things that trust solidifies itself.

So the next time you are feeling the pangs of fear, take a moment to think about communication, affirmation, and trust…with practice you may find it’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.