One of the most frequent questions I get about being in an open/swinger relationship has to do with love.
“If you play apart aren’t you afraid your partner might fall in love with someone else?”
“What if someone else falls in love with your partner?”
Well, I have the perfect story to relate my response.
Recently John had to travel out of town on business. He was traveling back to a city where he used to live, so he had several friends in the area. We discussed before he even left town about any opportunities he would have to meet up with any of his old girl friends.
There were a couple of women he said he would be interested in seeing while he was in town. I had met both of these women in the past, so I was familiar with who they were. I like both of these women. They seem to be very sweet and kind women. I encouraged John to yes, by all means, make contact with them, even if it is just for dinner.
Why didn’t this bother me?
Because I trust John.
Everything about his behavior towards me shows his trustworthiness. He calls when he says he will. He discusses with me beforehand about possibilities he may have or want to have with others, and his actions show his love and devotion to me and our relationship. I saw no reason to believe this situation would be any different.
So John left for his trip. It wasn’t long before I received a text from him saying he would be joining a female friend of his later in the evening. She had always been a dear friend of John’s and needed some advice.
What I love about this story is my husband gets to put his strengths (his ability to give sound advice) to others without me being afraid. How much the world would miss if I tried to keep him all to myself.
As I laid in my bed at home reading, John was hundreds of miles away with a woman in his hotel room. He called me several hours later to tell me the evening went well. They spent those hours talking. In that moment I loved my husband with just a little more gusto.
I was so proud of him, not because he hadn’t had sex with her, but because he is so loving. Loving enough to share with others what he has learned in life. I allowed myself to be filled with gratitude for this amazing man. A man, who not only loves me, but strives to be loving to everyone. I love him even more because of this.
But the story doesn’t end here. The very next evening, John had another opportunity to visit with a female friend. This visit was different. It was the same in the sense that I knew it was going to take place. John told me she had asked him to dinner and that he wasn’t sure how the evening would end. It was different in what happened.
John arrives at her home. She has prepared a scrumptious home cooked meal for them to share. To make a long story short, they ended up having sex. While they were having sex, she told John she still loved and cared about him.
Okay, so this is the dreaded scenario most people fear and will attempt to control from happening with their partner. Like I said earlier it’s that fear of, “but what if your partner or the person they are playing with, fall in love?”
What if they do?
This is what I thought about this woman loving my husband. First, I was touched and honored because she see’s the same great qualities in John that I do. It made me like her even more. I mean of course she would love him, what’s not to love?!
Besides, just because she loves him, doesn’t mean John’s and my love for each other diminishes in any way. This woman simply adds another layer to our life. What’s not to love about that?
Can you imagine the stress and anger and fear and jealousy the evening could have had, especially using the traditional viewpoint?
First of all, John wouldn’t have even been “allowed” to go over to her home to begin with. My adult husband would not have been “allowed.” Even typing this makes me shake my head. John definitely wouldn’t have been able to share how wonderful the meal was, because I might be threatened by her ability to cook and I would probably lose John over her culinary skills! Instead of being threatened I instead have 3 new amazing recipes to try!
John returned home from his trip in great spirits and was eager and excited to see me. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how grateful he is to have such an amazing relationship.
My point is, we don’t have control over who we end up having feelings for, regardless of whether or not we think we can control it. I am so glad that John and I don’t try to control it. We embrace the love we have for those we come in contact with and relish in the goodness of this love.
John and I became a couple so we could add to each others life, not take things away.
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.