Ask John & Jackie: Sexual Encounters and Swinging

“Helping one person might not change the whole world, but it could change the world for one person.”

One of the main reasons John and I started was to help those who were curious about opening up their relationships. Maybe these couples or singles never knew or thought about open relationships, including swinging, but they knew they were ready to try something different. But where do they start? Who do they ask?

When I was first introduced to the swinging world, I was overwhelmed with questions. The whole concept was so foreign to me, and I felt like I was in left field, exposed and vulnerable. I had so many questions, but no one to go to for advice and answers.

Here we are several years later and OL101 is blossoming. John and I find ourselves immersed in a profound and powerful movement, as more and more couples and singles are being introduced to this viable relationship model. We’re reminded on a daily basis of just how influential our evolving union has become and continues to inspire and inform those who are looking for growth in their own unions.

John and I receive daily emails which touch on a plethora of topics and questions from those wanting to give non-monogamy a chance. I find these “Dear Abby” questions from our readers to be the most heartfelt and honest. I feel that we’re making a difference when we receive real life questions and concerns from those brave enough to ask.

This question/answer format was even the basis of our book, “Swingers Lifestyle: The Questions You Are Afraid To Ask.” What better way to get to the crust of what you want to know as swingers then to continue this success. Our “Ask John & Jackie” series will be a continuation of our book. We’ll take your questions and share our answers. We hope to really get in touch with the nitty-gritty issues facing swingers in this new series as well as share in the beautiful successes.

Please feel free to submit your questions on our Contact Us page.

Dear John & Jackie;

This email is going to contain several questions, some from my husband and some from myself. Hopefully it won’t be too time consuming for you. Some of the questions may lead into another.  For instance, how did you feel the first time you had sex with John watching… was it weird, strange…?… and how did you two interact with one another the next day… was it awkward or like nothing happened? I imagine it gets easier with every new experience, but during that first initial experience, how did you feel? And in a situation where you’re intimate with someone else and John is there, does he always participate or are there times when he just watches?

Unrelated, I’ve seen on one of your videos where you discuss the first time John went on a date and you were a nervous wreck until he came home, but then the next time you buried yourself in things you enjoyed to keep your mind occupied. Why exactly do you two date others (I think  the video mentioned John going to a museum and dinner possibly) instead of just doing the physical and going back home? Are you not worried one of you may meet someone and have a spark as much as you and John are in love with each other?

-First time jitters


Dear First time jitters,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write in with such thought provoking questions.

Okay, let’s see…

How did I feel watching John have sex for the first time? I actually felt a little embarrassed, almost like I was intruding on a private moment. This is probably why I wasn’t even in the room during one of the first times I watched John have sex with someone else.

I was in an adjoining room watching from a distance. For me, being that this was the first time John would be engaging with another woman, I wanted the safety of a separate space in which to see how I would even respond to what was going on. No pressure from anyone else. No one watching my facial expressions or my nervousness being a factor. I wanted to experience it incognito. Being the proverbial “fly on the wall” gave me an incredible vantage point and the needed privacy I wanted from which to see my husband with someone else. I remember realizing that whenever John would kiss this other woman and then look up and make eye contact with me while mouthing the words, “I love you,” were moments I found myself very turned on.

While I understand not everyone would be able to handle nor elect to participate in the physical separation aspect, this was what worked for me initially.

Our interaction afterwards was incredibly loving. We couldn’t wait to have sex with each other. We laid in bed talking about the evening. We talked about what turned us on, about how much we loved each other and how amazing it was to find out that by opening our relationship, we had actually brought ourselves closer to each other. It really was a revelation for me. I was seeing for myself what could happen in a relationship when love and freedom are boundless.

Yes, it does get easier. Each new experience is another memory, another opportunity to solidify the love you have for each other. My memory banks are full of positive deposits of all the times John and I engaged with all sorts of other play partners, only to come together at the end, and each experience has created even more appreciation for what we have in each other.

It would be unfair for me though to say that every interaction has been stellar. Sure, John and I have had moments when the evening didn’t go as planned, but these moments are no less important to our growth. Those occasions gave us the chance to talk, to get to the crust of the issue and to discuss the feelings without fear.

Do we always play together? No. We’ve played in 4somes, 3somes, separately, groups, gang bangs, just about every situation available. Sometimes he watches… sometimes I watch.

…and your last question. No, I don’t fear that John will meet someone else and leave me. The short answer is, I don’t have any control over whether or not he meets someone else anyway, so no use being worried. Besides, being worried takes me out of the present. Why shouldn’t he be able to go to dinner with someone else or a movie or visit a museum?

The falling for someone else and leaving scenario comes I think in large part with how we’re raised to view relationships. The all or nothing format. This finite love we’re told we have with others. If I love John, that means I can’t love others. If I do love others, then I’m supposed to leave John or at the very least, it means I don’t love who I’m with. I call bulls**t on this logic. Think about it, if my love is SO fragile that I can’t even let my husband EAT with someone else, this should be a flashing red alert that I’m coming at my relationship from a place of fear.

What I’ve concluded is that love should be about growth and encouragement. I should WANT my partner to give the best of himself to everyone with whom he comes in contact. I know I want those things for myself. I want my husband to be encouraging of me. If John ends up feeling love towards others (and he does), it doesn’t have a bearing on our love, because like energy, our love expands and grows as it spreads. John doesn’t have to LEAVE me in order to care about someone else, nor do I. Like I said earlier, our love deepens and forges an even tighter bond because of our trust, honesty and transparent communication.

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