How to Make the Most of a Swinging 4some!

Swinger couples who’ve been in the lifestyle for any amount of time have learned that the configuration of hookups with others is almost endless. Whether it’s making plans with a single male, a unicorn (single female) or another couple, each play date can come with its own set of situations and preferences. John and I have found that finding singles to play with is usually easier, given our schedules and desires; however, those couple hookups are SO nice when they fall into place.

So how does one go about setting up a rendezvous with another couple? Again, couples who’ve been in the lifestyle can attest that a 4some hookup can sometimes be a challenge. It’s one thing to “match up” with a single, it’s quite another for this same unison to take place with four people.

Everyone has to like everyone else to some degree in order for the play to even take place. I remember not all that long ago speaking with a group of non-swinger wives. They were quite shocked to find out that I’m not CONSTANTLY having sex with other couples. This is another one of those myths about swingers. Yes, we like sex… matter of fact sex is quite prominent in our relationship, but so are a lot of other things—chemistry, attraction, personality, desire and any number of prerequisites determined by a couple.

So, regardless of whether we play with a single or a couple, John and I have learned a few helpful tidbits about making the most of our swinging 4some get togethers:

Getting Acquainted: Okay, so you’ve made contact with another couple, say at a swingers’ club. You’ve finished the introductions and everyone seems to be hitting it off. You’ll begin making those subtle nuances to your partner—the knowing smile or nod of approval that lets your partner know you have a thumbs up kind of vibe about the other couple. From this point, the direction of the evening can go in any number of directions.

Status Quo: Sometimes those initial meetups go no further than the conversation stage. You may spend the evening discussing regular topics, things like work, family or hobbies. The exchange might progress to include the topic of swinging. How did everyone get involved in swinging? How long has everyone been swinging? Do the families know, does work know? What’s everyone’s personal thoughts and observations of swinging? All of these things can be important building blocks in developing not just play partners, but the beginning of a wonderful swinging friend base. Everyone pulls an energy from talking and getting to know each other. Sometimes the energy from this kind of “swinging” can be enough to create a holding pattern; you’re interested in the other couple but don’t feel the need to play just yet.

Play Space: For John and myself, playing in a swingers’ club is great fun, but because we own swingers’ clubs, playing where we work is off limits. Of course not everyone who visits a swingers’ club will feel the need or desire to take play time to a more secluded and private place, but for us, well we don’t really have a choice. We do however know lots of couples who also adhere to this same play situation because they just feel more comfortable in a different setting.

One of the things that works for John and me is having couples over to our home. This gives us the opportunity to spend and cultivate a deeper bond with our play partners. Again, this get together may or may not result in any play, but this additional time to get to know each other is purely personal and will have a bearing on what kind of relationship (if any) you’re hoping to build with the couple. Maybe you’ve found out, through a series of conversations, that you all have a lot of things in common.

Maybe you all like boating, or hiking or travel. These could be some of the reasons why it would be conducive to build a friendship with this couple. This could also be the time when the desires of the other couple are revealed. This revelation can take place at the beginning or end of the date. If the feelings are mutual, then playing can take place immediately or it can be scheduled for yet another encounter.

This build up to playing together actually BECOMES part of the play. The times John and I have forgone playing right away with another couple has led to some pretty hot evenings between just the two of us. The intensity this waiting creates between the couples only adds to the allure of when you do finally get together.

Immediate Play: I remember vividly the time John and I were on a swingers’ takeover cruise. We decided to check out the ship playrooms. Once we nestled into a bed and started playing (just with each other), another couple approached the bed to watch. It didn’t take long before this other couple became a target of interest for us. It all happened quite naturally. We hadn’t gone to the playrooms with any kind of expectations. We were just happy to have a chance to explore our wild side. This other couple was in the right place at the right time! The synergy was instant and the play organic. This is what makes swinging so incredible—there is no one way to play. Some occasions will be spur of the moment and others will be well thought out and planned, both providing their own uniqueness to the encounter.

Multiple Play Dates: All of the options above can result in an extended opportunity to play with the same couple numerous times. This can be another great benefit in the swinging community. Having those couples who you really have a connection with can change the face of the play dates. It adds a layer of choice. Some nights maybe you and your partner will want to engage in anonymous play, while other nights the play/friendship option just feels fun and safe. The playdates with those connected swinger friends can also incorporate common activities. Common beliefs, shared outside activities and even vacations can be just a few of the benefits of swinger couple friends and play partners.

One Time Encounters: Okay, so you and your partner aren’t interested in any long term relationship/friendship with the couple you’ve just met. Maybe you’re just traveling and checking out the local swingers’ club. As a matter of fact, maybe you’re actually LOOKING to be incognito. The whole wham-bam-thank you-ma’am plot sounds just right! John and I have had our share of these as well. These hookups, like any of the above options, help round out the variety and spice to the swinger couple. There can be something really exciting and just a little exotic about not planning the evening’s outcome instead of leaving everything to chance. This can make for an incredibly HOTT night!

No matter what avenue you decide to take, the destination should always be about each others’ pleasure! The date should forever be an enhancement to the relationship in addition to bringing another layer of excitement, adventure and an ever deepening bond between you and your partner.

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6 Comments

  • Viv and Lance says:

    My wife and I are not interested in swapping partners at all, but we are definitely exhibitionists. We don’t know how we would fit with the other people in the lifestyle or if there is even a place for us there. Can you please guide us in the “protocols” and let us know what direction if any to go? Thanks Viv and Lance

    • Tressa says:

      This reply is just based on what my husband and I have noticed since being in the lifestyle…. we were voyeurs when we first stepped into the lifestyle, then slowly moved into soft swap, and now we are a full swap couple. So, even though neither of you are currently interested in swapping, because there are so many different aspects of what individuals enjoy in the lifestyle; it seems to us that everyone is accepting of others. We’ve always believed that “it’s our lifestyle”, so we would only do what we enjoyed together. No one should expect anything from you just because you’re in a lifestyle club or event. One of the best parts of the lifestyle for us is, we can be ourselves without being judged.

      One pointer I will give you: Always communicate your likes and dislikes, make sure to be honest to others if and when they approach you, and to never be judgmental towards anyone for their likes or dislikes. We are all in the lifestyle because we like sex in some way shape or form. As long as you and yours are happy, that’s all that matters!

      Hope you find somewhere that you both are able to full-fill all of your sexual fantasies!! Good luck and best wishes!!
      xoxo
      The wife?

  • Lynn Moorhead says:

    Hi Jackie,

    Another great read, and filled with lots of useful advice, as usual.

    Thanks.
    Lynn M.

  • ANN says:

    I agree another great read,we have been on 6 swinger cruise, and everything you say is right on, there’s something special about playing with each other as well as others on the cruises.
    THANKS AGAIN
    ANN G

  • brian andrews says:

    Swingers clubs tend to discriminate against male bisexuality. They are not open-minded at all. You are kidding yourselves if you think that swingers are open-minded. Women tend to be less accepting of male bisexuality than men are of female bisexuality. It’s a disgusting double standard that is promoted by sleazy swingers.

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      When it comes to male bisexuality compared to female bisexuality, I would tend to agree with your statement. I too believe that male bisexuality is below the curve in its acceptance. But I am also seeing a shift. After recently returning from a nationally recognized swingers convention as well as a swingers take over cruise, I was pleased to see both venues providing seminars, meet ups, and open discussions regarding male bisexuality. I think it is important to remember that swingers are just society. You will have swingers who embrace all variations of sexuality and you will have others who will struggle. Whether it be from societal or religious teachings, shame or simply being taught guy on guy is wrong. These teachings can run deep. That is why I am excited to see open discussions on the topic. Yes, the process may seem slow, but you have to start somewhere. I have found that when something is changing, a consistency is required. That slow steady determination towards a new way of thinking. This is the place I see male bisexuality in the swinging arena. This is yet another reason why it is important to work together. To take away the stigma and fear, to bring this viable play option out of the shadows and to openly talk it.

      As far as swingers clubs discriminating against male bisexuality, I can only speak for our clubs, colette. We do not discourage it at all. If someone complains about it, we let them know that they don’t have to watch it. Thanks for your thought provoking comments.

      Jackie

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