Ask John & Jackie: Finding Single Women & Dealing With Fear

Dear John & Jackie,

I’m a single guy, how do I find a female that would be interested in the lifestyle?

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Dear Single guy,

My first thought would be joining an adult social site. Sites like SDC.com, or Kasidie.com are just a couple of the many sites available. These sites allow you to connect with area swingers or others interested in consensual non monogamous interactions.

Good luck!

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Dear John & Jackie,

Hi, we’re not new to the LS but I still struggle a lot. I’m totally fine with FF but when there’s another couple involved I find myself paying more attention to what he’s doing than enjoying myself. How do I overcome this feeling and allow him to have a good time without me freaking out every time and ruining the night?

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Dear Freaking Out,

I’ve always felt as though the best way to get to the core of something is to start by peeling back the layers. You say whenever you and your partner are in a couples setting your attention becomes focused on what your partner is doing. When I read your email up to that point, I assumed you simply found yourself drawn to the voyeur aspect of what was happening in front of you. It would be your next sentence though that caused me pause from this voyeur thought.

“How do I overcome this feeling and allow him to have a good time without me freaking out every time and ruining the night?”

Okay, so you freak out…what exactly does that look like? Does it mean you are crying or screaming or yelling at your husband during the playtime? Are you trying to control how he is engaging with his play partner? Are you dealing with jealousy? Fear? A combination? Do the two of you have any kind of discussion pre-play? Post-play? What makes you think you are ruining the night and last but not least what is holding you back from wanting your partner to, in your words, “have a good time?”

One of the biggest lessons I learned when introduced to the swinger lifestyle was honesty. I talk about honesty a lot. I talk about how vital it is in a relationship, and how through honesty we can take our relationship with our partner to the next level. Want I don’t mention nearly enough though is the honesty that is required from self. We have to get honest with who we are before we can ever expect honesty to flow openly in our partnership.

Often times getting honest with ourselves means admitting fears. Fears are those feelings that creep in and leave us vulnerable, or so we think. The result more often than not, is a sense of self protection that follows any introduction of fear. How do most of us combat these feelings of uncertainty? Fight or flight. We will either run from the fear or we will come out of the gate swinging (no pun intended). Running from fear can be as simple as not talking. Not asking those fear based questions. We think, what could be worse than having this fear? Having the fear confirmed. But, the funny thing about this logic is it doesn’t alleviate the issue. This is why, we can rest assured the same response will happen. You know the saying, “same shit, different day” I can’t tell you how many times I found myself up against the same shit different day narrative. The, “why does this keep happening to me” question played over and over in my head. When I finally stopped long enough to look at the fear was I able to start verbalizing the fear.

My biggest aha moment was finally saying to John what I was REALLY feeling and thinking. To explain to him, all the crazy thoughts that would play out in my head whenever he was with someone else. I had spent so much time all caught up in my fear, that it never occurred to me that my husband would be supportive and understanding. What a moment! To have my fears put to rest and to be told how much I was loved and how much he wanted both of us to come away from each experience more connected and full of love for one another! My second aha moment was believing what my husband told me. I finally understood that I didn’t have to live my relationship from a fear base. Because I had unloaded my fears by being honest, I now had room for the love my husband said he had for me.

From that moment on, my view of self and my husband was forever altered. Not only was I finally learning to fully love and accept myself, but I also understood that he loved me…period.

I am so proud of your introspection and desire to delve into the depths…you’ve got this!

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2 Comments

  • Crystal Campisi says:

    Jackie,
    I am feeling degraded and somewhat humiliated by what happened last month. We visited the wonderful lifestyle resort “Sea Mountain Inn” in desert springs, CA. It’s a mix of folks from different areas coming together for a wild day party. We easily found folks to play with, and when we went into the play area, I asked if he had “supplies”. His response: “You mean condoms? OH, you’re one of THOSE.”

    What? You mean someone that wants to play safe? Yeah, that’s me. I had to admit I required a condom if we were to play, which he was disappointed to hear. I went on to explain that it is my “agreement with my husband that we both use condoms while playing”. He said “ok, now I have to go FIND one.” Meanwhile, I felt badly “making him” succumb to my requirement. He did find one, we did play, and it was ok after all, but I STILL FEEL put down.

    Why should I have to justify playing safe? Why is it the woman’s responsibility to watch out for both of us? (he can catch STD’s. too).
    And isn’t it the norm of the lifestyle to play safe? ESPECIALLY with strangers that you know nothing about?

    My husband also played with his partner, but it’s so much easier for men. They don’t have to ask questions, just pull one out, put it on, and of course the woman is not going to complain! Why is it so much easier for men to play safe while women have to BEG?

    And why do so many men In the lifestyle insist on barebacking? I noticed it on the cruise, as well. And the most humiliated I’ve ever been is when I was TURNED DOWN for playing with a man on the cruise because he didn’t want to wear a condom. Really?? That makes me feel like I’m not worth putting on a small piece of latex, because it will decrease HIS experience!! Oh Boy! No compersion there!

    help me, Jackie!
    Crystal

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hello Crystal,

      Your story is proof that everyone views life differently. Most of the time this diversity is a blessing. All these different views and alternate perspectives can be beautiful ways in which to expand our own views. But, sometimes these differences can spark comparisons that cause stress. Those times in life in which we find ourselves questioning others and maybe even ourselves about how we view a situation. The most important position to take in moments like this is of personal responsibility. In your case, you told the guy what was acceptable and what wasn’t in your book and left it up to him to decide whether or not he wanted to continue play. If you hadn’t liked his response to your guideline, you were ALWAYS in the position to change whether or not YOU want to continue playing.

      If you and your husband have agreed to a specific guideline when it comes to play, then hold true to the agreement, regardless of what others say. If someone doesn’t respect your “rule” remember you don’t have to play with them. Try not to get too caught up in comparing your rules with the rules of others, especially when coming from a justification standpoint. Just because someone else has different “rules” doesn’t make yours wrong or theirs right…just different.

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