Dear John & Jackie,
I’m a single guy, how do I find a female that would be interested in the lifestyle?
Dear Single guy,
My first thought would be joining an adult social site. Sites like SDC.com, or Kasidie.com are just a couple of the many sites available. These sites allow you to connect with area swingers or others interested in consensual non monogamous interactions.
Dear John & Jackie,
Hi, we’re not new to the LS but I still struggle a lot. I’m totally fine with FF but when there’s another couple involved I find myself paying more attention to what he’s doing than enjoying myself. How do I overcome this feeling and allow him to have a good time without me freaking out every time and ruining the night?
Dear Freaking Out,
I’ve always felt as though the best way to get to the core of something is to start by peeling back the layers. You say whenever you and your partner are in a couples setting your attention becomes focused on what your partner is doing. When I read your email up to that point, I assumed you simply found yourself drawn to the voyeur aspect of what was happening in front of you. It would be your next sentence though that caused me pause from this voyeur thought.
“How do I overcome this feeling and allow him to have a good time without me freaking out every time and ruining the night?”
Okay, so you freak out…what exactly does that look like? Does it mean you are crying or screaming or yelling at your husband during the playtime? Are you trying to control how he is engaging with his play partner? Are you dealing with jealousy? Fear? A combination? Do the two of you have any kind of discussion pre-play? Post-play? What makes you think you are ruining the night and last but not least what is holding you back from wanting your partner to, in your words, “have a good time?”
One of the biggest lessons I learned when introduced to the swinger lifestyle was honesty. I talk about honesty a lot. I talk about how vital it is in a relationship, and how through honesty we can take our relationship with our partner to the next level. Want I don’t mention nearly enough though is the honesty that is required from self. We have to get honest with who we are before we can ever expect honesty to flow openly in our partnership.
Often times getting honest with ourselves means admitting fears. Fears are those feelings that creep in and leave us vulnerable, or so we think. The result more often than not, is a sense of self protection that follows any introduction of fear. How do most of us combat these feelings of uncertainty? Fight or flight. We will either run from the fear or we will come out of the gate swinging (no pun intended). Running from fear can be as simple as not talking. Not asking those fear based questions. We think, what could be worse than having this fear? Having the fear confirmed. But, the funny thing about this logic is it doesn’t alleviate the issue. This is why, we can rest assured the same response will happen. You know the saying, “same shit, different day” I can’t tell you how many times I found myself up against the same shit different day narrative. The, “why does this keep happening to me” question played over and over in my head. When I finally stopped long enough to look at the fear was I able to start verbalizing the fear.
My biggest aha moment was finally saying to John what I was REALLY feeling and thinking. To explain to him, all the crazy thoughts that would play out in my head whenever he was with someone else. I had spent so much time all caught up in my fear, that it never occurred to me that my husband would be supportive and understanding. What a moment! To have my fears put to rest and to be told how much I was loved and how much he wanted both of us to come away from each experience more connected and full of love for one another! My second aha moment was believing what my husband told me. I finally understood that I didn’t have to live my relationship from a fear base. Because I had unloaded my fears by being honest, I now had room for the love my husband said he had for me.
From that moment on, my view of self and my husband was forever altered. Not only was I finally learning to fully love and accept myself, but I also understood that he loved me…period.
I am so proud of your introspection and desire to delve into the depths…you’ve got this!
John and Jackie Melfi are married swingers and in an open relationship. They were featured in an ABC News Nightline special report “Getting ‘Naughty in N’Awlins’: Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention” and are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in Dallas, New Orleans, Houston, and Austin and the award-winning blog Openlove101.com with over 20 years of combined experience in open relationships and coaching thousands of couples.