Recently I received a message from a reader stating their adult son had found out inadvertently that his parents were in the swinging lifestyle. They wondered how I had handled this situation with my kids and what advice I could offer. I realized there are plenty of other parents in the lifestyle who grapple with this same issue, so I decided to share my response in hopes of helping parents when and if the topic of swinging or open relationships arise.

Hello Mr. & Mrs. Swinger,

So you say your adult son saw your adult social page…you don’t say whether any conversation took place between you and him regarding the incident or if anything came of it, but I can tell you my experience.

Since I didn’t get involved in the lifestyle until all but one of my children were adults (the youngest was 17 at the time) being open with them about the lifestyle seemed natural given their age. This provided me an occasion in which to let them know there were options available to them when forming a relationship with someone. Opening up these lines of communication also allowed them to ask questions in addition to expanding their knowledge base.

Since I had been raised to believe there was only one relationship model, finding out about swinging and open relationships created a drive within me to learn as much as I could about the lifestyle and to test the validity of what I had been raised to believe. I used this opportunity to widen not only my eyes but to share this new found knowledge with my most trusted possessions…my kids.

I am a firm believer in not being quick to judge something or someone…especially if the judgement comes from lack of familiarity of the subject…the more we learn the less afraid we are.

I remember when I first heard the term “swinger” the only images that came to mind were so stereotypical, the 1970’s guy with the gold chains swapping wives with other couples in some secret key party. I had no clue the amount of trust, love, communication, honesty, joy, and integrity involved when entering into this lifestyle…instead of it being something “bad” like so many of us have been taught, opening up a relationship can actually be an incredible act of love. Once I realized the importance of this information, sharing this information with my friends and family seemed only natural. I have had many heart to heart conversations with my adult sons and daughters and we have become even closer as a result. To me one of the greatest joys is when our children reach adulthood and the relationship matures into a respected friendship, with each party eager to learn and to welcome different points of view as we each make our way through this wonderful experience of life.

Don’t be too hard on yourself about your son finding out, use it as an opportunity to learn and grow…be proud of the relationship you and your wife have and the choices you make in honoring that relationship…your son will see the success of your love for each other in the confidence you show him.

Thanks for a great question.

Jackie