What Keeps a Swinger Marriage Sacred?

By September 6, 2017 Swing Lifestyle Articles

John and I recently received the following email regarding this question:

Question: Following the notion that an intimate sex experience creates a feeling in the partnership that it is a truly special union (and kept sacred by only sharing intimate sex with your love partner), what then is the essence of what makes it special for the SWINGING LIFESTYLE couple? In other words, what is the difference between the sex experience for your partner with you and your partner with someone else?

“This answer is going to be a piece of cake,” I thought. I absolutely love my marriage with John and adore the extraordinary bond we share. You can imagine my surprise when several days passed and I was still staring at this question. I kept thinking, “What makes my marriage special? EVERYTHING!” But when I sat down to write about “everything” I would get discombobulated.

I realized I was getting caught up in defending the sacredness of my marriage instead of why my swinging marriage embodies a special unique bond between John and I. After examining that bond, I was able to respond to the email:

Answer: I think one of the most important things to remember when entering the swinging or more open relationship concept is to really pinpoint what it is that makes your own relationship special, or in your words, sacred. What is it about your partner that sets him or her apart from everyone else on the planet? What is it that keeps you drawn to them, regardless of whomever you come into contact? Because we will. We will come into contact with others every single day. We will have the option of interacting with people outside our relationship on a daily basis. So what IS IT that keeps you returning to your partner?

I would wager those qualities that keep you bound to your partner go much deeper than holding hands or kissing or even making love. Of course holding hands, kissing, and making love are all integral parts of a whole package, but none of them are the total glue that holds the union together. They ARE special moments we share with our partner, but is it the holding hands, or who we are holding hands with? Is what makes all of these moments special or sacred due to WHO we are sharing those moments with?

For me, every moment I share with John is special. Each interaction I have with my husband is, in your words, sacred. Regardless of how many others I kiss, hold hands or have sex with. None of those others will EVER come close to matching the deep bond and unbelievable unity I have with my spouse. What makes my relationship special and unique is who I share the relationship with.

John is who makes each and every interchange memorable and special. All the years we have invested in our relationship, all those deep seeded revelations we have made to each other about who we are…these are just a few of the examples of what sets our relationship apart from ANY other interaction I have with others. These are the things that make such a powerful alliance between he and I…this is the sacredness within our marriage.

I could make a list of all the qualities I love in my husband, and they are all part of why I love him, but I also think that specialness between two people has so much to do with chemistry, trust, communication, and similar outlooks on life. I do not feel that sex is the primary reason our bond is sacred, but rather our partnership as a whole. We are on the same wavelength and are able to communicate about any and everything. If we took away the sex, John and I would still be madly in love with each other because we truly love each other for who we are.

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3 Comments

  • Lynn says:

    Hi Jackie,

    I think this is one of the best answers/responses you have ever given. I think any couple should consider these points, whether they are in the Swinger community or not. If you believe your relationship is purely special, because it is built around sex, then I believe you are doomed to ultimately fail. Having been with my wife since we met as teenagers in 1980, if sexual attraction had been the “only” thing we had, we would have ended long ago. There is something about a long term relationship that is often hard to put into words for people in this “fast food” / “instant gratification” society that we have become. It seems that so few people understand what real commitment means, or they simply don’t want it.

    From all I’ve read, it seems that people in the Swinger Lifestyle have figured out what real commitment is, BEFORE they get involved in Swinging, and know that their relationship is secure regardless of who their sexual parters, are, or will be. I think that both partners need to be secure in that knowledge and commitment before considering a trip down this path, assuming they want to keep the relationship they have intact. Perhaps due to how most people are raised, it isn’t surprising to me to see couples in their 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s just getting into this lifestyle, as they’ve had a lifetime of discovery to know what will or won’t work for them as a couple. On the other side of that, it does worry me for younger couple’s getting into this lifestyle if they haven’t really figured all that out in advance. I think it takes a bit of age/wisdom to understand that a physical/sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily equate to a long-term relationship, and on that same note, doesn’t mean one person would leave the other person for that single attraction.

    Anyway, as always, I greatly appreciate your insight and perspective on pretty much any topic.

    Thanks.
    Lynn M.

  • Tim says:

    Jackie,

    This is extraordinary introspection. Brava. Swinging is many things to many couples, but it is something quite unique for the couple that has the depth of feeling that you and John have for each other. As Lynn M. (above) points out, gaining insight into why we love our spouses so deeply, why that love is reciprocal, and finding joy in that ever-deepening relationship is pre-requisite to being happy in the lifestyle. Only when the couple sees, feels, and lives their lives as part of an unbreakable unit can each partner find joy in the other’s pleasure regardless of whether that pleasure is experienced with someone else.

    You used many powerful words in your response to the question. One stands out above them all: unity.

  • Wendi says:

    Jackie,
    So glad to hear your words…. so deep and heartfelt… we all love it… without a doubt.. the swing life gives folks comfort and deep love… we all share the same perspective… of time tested trust….so beautiful…. and magical… I am with ya….yet… for some of us…. who didn’t even know the “lifestyle” existed… and who have come to this place as single people… the same kind of logic still applies…it only applies because we know ourselves and what we want… Here is the truth about the “Lifestyle”…. I have a BF …. we are not engaged or committed in anyway… yet, when I go to a lifestyle club with him… I know I will be taken care of and loved… I know that there will be people that connect with me and want to be part of my life… I know that relationships will happen in some way or another…Not all of us can have what you have… but we can stand back in “awe” and say “you go girl”… that is truly the way we roll….And to have glimpses of magical moments between you and others… in the “Share Nation” kind of way remind me that I am “home”…. Be well my love… xoxo… Wendi

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