When I was married, I loved playing with single guys because finding a couple compatible with myself and my spouse was next to impossible. He’s hot, she’s not. She’s hot, he’s not. No taking one for the team! So single guys worked really well for me.
After playing with single guys as a married woman for 6+ years…now I’m single. I’d like to find something more than a booty call or a boy toy, but it needs to be a bit less than a serious relationship. I felt I had temporarily exhausted the swing sites, so I ventured into vanilla dating with OKCupid and Tinder.
I decided that when I meet these guys, I’m going to be completely honest about who I am and what I do for a living. I have no need to be the Sexy Siren and lure these men to my luscious shores, only to smash their vessels on my life rocks by Date #3. If you don’t know me – I’m not exactly your “loves romantic dinners and long walks on the beach” kind of woman. I don’t have a job that pays $100k+ a year and then I go home to the house that I own and cuddle up with my 4 cats and two dogs.
Oh no, I’m a classically trained pianist that snapped and I started singing dick jokes at comedy clubs. I then became a nationally touring comedian that performs at nudist resorts, swing clubs, swinger cruises, and dungeons all over the world. Now I’m in the middle of a divorce, and taking care of my mom with rampant diabetes and dementia. Oh yes…I’m also a swinger, a hypnotist, a kinkster, polyamorous, and a Fem Domme. Thank goodness, I have big tits.
Who wants me now?
I figured no one would. Was I wrong!
I tried OKCUPID, because I could specify in my profile that I’m non-monogamous. I spent HOURS on my profile, carefully wording it with phrases like “polyamorous,” “looking for an open relationship,” and “NO VANILLAS.” I figured those words would be deterrents to 99% of the men on the planet. But NO. My profile is 7 months old, and I have had well over 1000+ profile LIKES. I have 588 emails in my inbox. 579 start with “Hey,” “UR Hawt,” “WAZZUP,” “messge mi know mi so horny,” and “U have great tits.”
The 9 semi-literate responses were from guys who were “strictly monogamous.”
Sigh.
Why the heck would these guys like my profile? So I started writing a few of these guys.
OKCupid Me: I see you liked my profile – which says I’m strictly non-monogamous. If you’re looking for a monogamous person, why did you like my profile?
OKCupid He: Oh, I just wrote that because that’s what most women want.
OKCupid Me: So you lied on your profile?
OKCupid He: Ya, I guess so.
OKCupid Me: Why should I trust you now?
OKCupid He: Because YOU have great tits.
Sigh.
TINDER is another fun site. It’s all pictures with a 500 character profile. Swipe RIGHT if you like them, swipe LEFT if you don’t. If you and a guy swipe “right” on each other – you match! And then you can email each other.
My first bout with Tinder lasted 2 days. I swiped right on every jerk, most of which demanded I come to them for free sex. Wow – what a contrast from the swinging lifestyle, where the woman is usually in charge and the guy comes to her! A friend convinced me to try again…and I did meet a nice guy that was very open to learning about my lifestyle choices. We went out a few times…and then he took a job in New York for the summer the following week. Darn my luck!
I gave Tinder one more try, and got this gem…
Tinder Dude: Hey Traci, Look, I’m just a dirty old bastard. I can make 50 Shades of Grey look like Dr. Seuss.
Tinder Me: Sweet! I just attended a BDSM conference, and took classes on Asphyxiation, Cutting & Anal Fisting and I’ve been trying to find someone to practice on.
Tinder Dude: Uh…I think you’re a little advanced for me…but you have great tits!
Sigh.
Traci Kanaan
The Dominatrix of Ditties
Hello – and welcome to The Lighter Side of the Lifestyle!
A little bit about myself – for those of you new to me, and haven’t seen my one of a kind musical comedy show about the lifestyle by someone who is in it:
I’ve been doing stand up comedy for a total of 13 years, with the last 9 years as the nationally touring headliner known as “The Princess of Parodies.” In January of 2009, “The Princess of Parodies” was hired to perform at a clothing optional resort in Tampa, FL. After a few shows, I convinced my husband to go to the clothing optional resort with me, and we ended up becoming nudists, and then “fell into” swinging later that year. The more involved we got involved in the lifestyle, the more comedy material I wrote about it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t perform those jokes in vanilla comedy clubs without having trouble getting to my car, getting paid, and getting to my hotel! So in 2010, I created “The Dominatrix of Ditties Musical Comedy Show,” and quickly became one of the most popular, lifestyle performers at swinger hotel takeover parties, swinger cruises, and clothing optional resorts all over the world. A few years later, my husband and I delved into BDSM and polyamory. Rather than growing together through our sexually adventurous journey, we grew apart and decided to separate in January of 2015 after 17 years of marriage. Newly single…this blog will focus on my funny, sexually adventurous journeys in lifestyle. ~DOD
