In today’s episode, we look at a compilation of advice from all 21 episodes John and Jackie released in 2024.
They answer submitted questions, talking about sensitive subjects, and explain different aspects of the lifestyle you may not know!
Tune into learn how to handle these situations with grace and maintain respectful, loving communication.
00:00
a great show we have four main reasons that we discuss so stay to the end and here all four talk to you soon talk to you soon what the hell is that you know uh when I’m looking at our at our scripting today it it dawned on me that these reasons that n monogamy fails are the same reasons that strictly
00:26
monogamous relationships fail yeah any any relationship right any relationship fails we don’t Corner the market on this is that what you’re saying that’s right and the number one reason probably is failure to communicate so failure to communicate is probably the number one
00:40
reason I think most relationships fail and you know we end up holding on to things that we probably should discuss with our partner because we’re afraid of what the outcome is going to be yeah and if we would just try and walk through that fear talk about those things a it makes for a stronger
01:04
relationship I think that’s one of the reasons why consensually non monogamous relationships are so strong is because in order to be in a relationship like this you have to communicate and uh it can be very uncomfortable for a couple when they’re approached by a couple or a single
01:21
person and the first thing they want to talk about is sex and uh they when they you know I don’t know know in society today if it just comes from you know being behind this veil of the internet and people feel like they can just be really just super direct opposed to trying to get to know
01:42
someone a little bit first right and maybe that works or the that’s the misconception that they have about the club that they’re just supposed to be direct yeah and and like I said I think sometimes sometimes it can work I mean I’ve seen you be direct with with somebody before and it was
02:03
fine you know where you’re making the eyes across you’re making giggly eyes yeah and then you just like you walk up and say hey you want to go to the back and they say sure let’s go yeah so there there are exceptions to this right right but normally the way it works is you
02:20
know you approach a couple and you address us as a couple say hey my name is so and so how are you guys doing and then we can start a conversation and uh I think that is the most common way because many couples that you might meet are really shy and they’re timid maybe
02:36
it’s their first or second time at a at a party an event or a club and to just come right at them with hey you want to go have sex is they’re probably going to say no and I think there’s you know ways to increase your chances of really making developing a friendship there relationship or a sexual
02:57
relationship with someone without going straight for the J I knew very little about and what little I did know again was was not positive because I was learning it from a society that wasn’t in agreement of that so to learn all of this and to be where I am today almost a dozen years later and
03:21
understand the the nuances of the relationship and and what a team building that it creates in the relationship right uh you know being a being a role model or being an advocate for this relationship model really kind of became Center Stage for me which is something I
03:41
in a gabillion years would never have thought I would be doing you know so and it’s still really it’s still really exciting for me on that point sometimes when we’ve talked to couples they they get a little jealous that you know my my partner does this sing with someone else and it really
04:02
brings him a lot of pleasure and it bothers me because I can’t do that for him right so then that brings up another option and it it it bothers me that he gets it could be it bothers me that that person gets enjoy out of it too right um I mean just even seeing your partner enjoying time with someone
04:24
else can give someone pause you know I know from our experience uh talking to other couples and being in the clubs talking to couples how we are raised whether it’s just maybe we’re not religious but society and how our parents are and what they see as being the you know the only
04:47
relationship model maybe it is religious it can be the biggest hangup to move forward in this in this relationship model the the the fear of of God or the fear of what people are going to think about you any of those things the shame that you know that you’re told you would have to feel if
05:09
you’re you know more open sexually um those can be you know gamestoppers really and keep you from moving forward and really exploring different aspects of life that maybe you hadn’t been able to you know what happens if you’re friends with someone that’s in an open relationship
05:30
but you know not everybody’s privy to that they’re not out and right and you know nobody else knows maybe their family doesn’t even know but you know somehow you know cuz you’re the best friend or whatever and about honoring that you know and not outing people and not you know
05:48
being being just as respectful of their relationship as they are of your relationship um you know I think there are some responsibilities when you’re friends regardless of who you’re friends with you do I mean that’s why you’re friends is because you’ve agreed to to be um supportive of one
06:08
another and um loving towards one another and respectful and trustworthy you know all of those great qualities you know that that we want to have and we want our friends to have as well and that’s not what I expected to happen it’s like oh well that’s how that went yeah
06:31
and you know learn learn try and learn from it yeah well and I’m going to say something you know when I think back to experiences that I’ve had that were less than Stellar I can I can tell you that 100% of those because is because of something I didn’t do okay example like I didn’t say
06:53
something like no thank you you’re like no thank you no I don’t like that that’s true now that I think about it most of your most of your situations where you were uncomfortable it’s because you had didn’t speak up for yourself in your boundaries that you have right and that
07:10
you know that was one of my learning curves starting out uh you know was learning to speak up for myself you know if I had to learn to be an advocate for myself and that was actually much harder than I thought it was going to be starting out what I found with myself I can sit there and
07:26
look at all these reasons in my head like I just get a text you know sorry I can’t make it tonight and they don’t give me a reason so I’m wondering why and I’ll run these little scenarios through my head and that’s not really a a good place to be I mean I just need
07:44
to just accept it they said no that’s right find something else to do spend time with you uh work you know whatever it is but to really Ponder and make them out as being a bad person like I can’t believe that they rejected me that’s not a good place to be especially
08:02
you may find out that it was a waste of time thinking that way because it whatever they said was true and you end up rescheduling the stigmas about the clubs is that uh you know it’s coming from this platform that the men are the one that are kind of running that driving that train and uh you know
08:26
that was one of the most surprising things for me was when I first visited a club and I realized that it was that I actually had it backwards that it was the women that were that were really um driving that and it was the men that were being supportive of that it was a you know if
08:51
you’re not used to seeing that if you’re not used to seeing the men in such a a secure space in their masculinity it can be kind of shocking you know where the guys are volunteering like oh she’s you know don’t ask me ask her she’s in charge like whoa be a good
09:14
time to segue into this to this answer I don’t know why they’re called playrooms because we go in there and I mean they could be called sex rooms I guess but sometimes you go in there you don’t have sex you just play yeah and it’s just the nor cure used in in in the swinger
09:29
lifestyle if you go to a club or to a party they designate those areas playrooms playrooms and I think it’s really important when you’re in an open relationship like this or in the lifestyle swinger lifestyle for both Partners to be really receptive and open and listen in a loving way to
09:52
whatever their partner has to say I 100% agree and to to to have someone scared or nervous about what their partner is going to think if if you’re in a what I try to do is put my mind set into a place of unconditional love and if I love you unconditionally and you’re to Broach a fantasy or a
10:21
question with me or a desire to do something if I love you unconditionally just as though you were you know I I think what happens in a relationship we we want to start exerting our control or or opinions about certain things and if we just sit there and listen with an
10:38
open mind and respond in a loving way no matter what no matter if we agree to it or if we want to partake in it Whatever It Is Just babe I love you and I love it that you have these kind of fantasies but it’s probably just not going to be my thing right now but maybe we can find
10:57
something else it’s like along those lines I’m more comfortable with you know that would be the answer that I would think would be like the negative way if you like you’re in inside you’re really freaking out like oh really this is her fantasy there is no way in God’s green
11:12
earth I’m doing that and normally that’s how we’d respond like oh like hell no I’m not doing that are you crazy I mean why would you want to make your partner feel as though he or she’s crazy we’re talking about boundaries basically what we’re saying is is this is what I’m comfortable with
11:31
so if this is what we’re comfortable with maybe that’s what we should be leading with MH what are we comfortable with like let’s write all of the things that we do want to have happen you know everything is built on energy and it doesn’t make any difference if that
11:50
energy is positive or if that energy is negative so if you start out with negative energy you’re just going to continue to build that and if we’re talking about boundaries and we’re talking about doing that in a partnership it’s going to be really difficult to have positive
12:09
feelings around a situation that’s built through a list of negatives MH I think for a lot of us it’s kind of an EB and flow and a TW steps forward one step back kind of process to get to where we are cuz a lot of times it has to do with the security that we feel about
12:38
ourselves and in order for us to be happy for our partner when they’re talking to somebody else you definitely have to have a good self-esteem I think in order to feel that way when your partner is experiencing Joy with someone else there’s no doubt about it I think
12:55
for people that maybe don’t have maybe they have a little bit of you know low self-esteem or um they maybe have some qualities about themselves they question sometimes am I good enough and and that may be a situation where they’re seeing their partner connecting with someone
13:14
else and then those faults that they feel within themselves rear their ugly heads and they start thinking oh my God you know they’re going to end up falling for this person what do I do and you get panicked what would you say one of the biggest misconceptions people have about
13:32
those of us that are in more open relationships or in consensually non- monogamous relationships I think just from social media and the feedback that we get I think people think that we just have sex with everyone right yeah I think that they think that like every
13:47
you know I can be getting ready on Tik Tok to go pick up my child from the car rider line and they’re like do you have a hot date I’m like no it’s 3:30 it’s it’s time to go pick up my kid like I’m not no you know it’s just like I don’t do that you know um I think they think it’s just like a revolving
14:03
door those people are in and out in and out again I think the STDs kind of go along with that I think they think we’re all just riddled with STDs and everybody is going to bring something to the table yes everybody is we and we talked about this recently everybody is somebody’s
14:24
fantasy and I think if we if we look at ourselves in that way it can really help us maybe do away with some of our own stigmas you know look if you even take a look at yourself and maybe write down the things that you like or that you find attractive or if you go to the mall or
14:50
the airport the next time you’re you’re there and you sit back and you look at all of these people that are walking by and you start pulling out positives from them m M you know like oh that guy’s got really beautiful eyes or you know that woman has a great smile or you know if
15:06
you start focusing on the positives of of what you bring to the table and and maybe what you like um that can be one way to help get over maybe your own stigmas uh you know about what the lifestyle invites um airtight oh see isn’t it funny we went through these a while back and now I’ve already
15:34
forgotten what airtight is airtight I feel like oh I know what it is what is it every oh every orifice has been blocked at the same time at the so you’re doing you’re doing vaginal anal penetration and giving a from the woman’s point of view at the same time so wow
15:54
that just there’s a lot going on in that I don’t that’s too much I don’t know that’s the the the key Point anytime you introduce something new to your relationship no matter if it’s a person that you’re hanging out with or having sex with or a place or a food or yeah a
16:11
new hobby that you’ve experienced and you know when we first started playing pickle ball a few years ago you know just the excitement of going to pickle ball I mean it sounds kind of silly you’re talking about right now but it gave us something new to talk about and
16:25
so there was like uh an added excitement to our relationship right and so anytime you have a new experience like going to a new club or meeting someone new at the club that you go to or um driving around in a new car seeing a new any of those things they they create
16:43
something new in the relationship that you guys are sharing together in right and I what I sense and what I’ve experienced in long-term relationships where nothing new was happening it definitely feels like it’s in a rut like I hear people say or get it gets boring or you know you’re doing
17:03
you’re having sex the same way that you’ve had for the past two years you haven’t changed it one bit now if we did not play separately or if they didn’t play separately or if they didn’t play separately then we just wouldn’t play with them I mean we’ve never you know
17:20
you hear this sometimes in the open relationship Circle or swinging Circles of taking one for the team you know uh John likes somebody in the partnership I don’t I don’t really but I will so that Jon has the opportunity to play and then I owe you one and then you owe me one
17:38
yeah we don’t we wouldn’t operate like that because we you know we want those experiences to be positive and we don’t want anybody to have resentments and uh you know we want everybody to en enjoy themselves so we just wouldn’t and you know so that’s that would be
17:58
kind of our line in the sand as well and I would really kind of encourage other couples to do that also I mean you you want to you want your yes to be 100% yes right that’s and and I wouldn’t want JN to do something that he doesn’t want to do uh for me you know there’s not just
18:21
one way to do this it’s not just like well here’s your guide book on no sure how to do this um and I think sometimes we can get ahead of ourselves we think too much about it uh instead of just be in the moment just enjoy your partner enjoy going to dinner with this other couple
18:46
or you know enjoy being at the club with them you know sit on the sofas and have a great conversation have a few drinks get out on the Dance Floor dance with your partner maybe all four of you get up and dance and then maybe you guys can switch off dance partners and you can
19:05
kind of get a feeling from that um you know dance close dance sexy all four of you dance together it’s about kind of creating that energy I would say wouldn’t you it’s like where you’re already you you start to build that environment what about a closed V closed V closed V
19:29
yeah that’s a is that is that where like you and I have this relationship and then you have a relationship with somebody else but I don’t have a relationship with that other person is that what that is correct oh where’d he go Jack winning isn’t it funny okay so I just
19:52
want to say this just because it’s going to bug me if I don’t say it if you’re in just a regular mon ogous relationship and that relationship falls apart which we all know that there’s like a high percentage of people in those relationships where those relationships end they end in divorce
20:10
but we’re never like Ah that’s because you were in a monogamous marriage that’s why no but if people in an open relationship or non monogamous relationship end up getting divorce they’re like ah well of course cuz you were in an open relationship yeah it’s so weird how we
20:32
construe what’s seen as a stellar relationship and what isn’t I know that doesn’t really have anything to do with what we’re talking about no but it was on your mind you it was on my mind and I and it is one of those things like yes it doesn’t make any difference what
20:45
relationship model you’re in some are going to function for a long time and some aren’t and it’s like that’s just the way it is it’s and what I was going to lead into from that point is it’s not it doesn’t always happen I mean we don’t have to just talk about people that are
21:03
in the lifestyle where this happens to because it it does happen to people that are in strictly monogamous relationships as well and they’re going to church and they have to make a decision are we both going to continue going to the same church are we both going to continue
21:16
going to our favorite restaurant because I don’t really want to see you there with your new what about our friends that we have yeah so it happens to everybody that’s in a relationship no matter if it’s a monogamous relationship or for an open swinger lifestyle relationship the same you have to
21:34
navigate the same things that could become complicated because of you both attend or go to the same places
Courtney is the Marketing Director for Openlove101 and colette Clubs.