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Ask John & Jackie: Being a Unicorn Girlfriend In the Lifestyle

By September 29, 2020 Uncategorized
Visiting a Swingers’ Club

We’ve got TWO burning questions today from our readers:

Question #1

Dear John & Jackie:

I am new to the lifestyle and I am a unicorn. A couple has expressed wanting me to become their girlfriend and to be honest I don’t know what this entails… I am attracted to both of them but what are the lines with this. I like being a unicorn, I’ve been meeting and connecting with a lot of couples, but I feel intoxicated around this couple. I just don’t know if being their girlfriend is something practical or not.

Unicorn Girlfriend

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Dear Unicorn Girlfriend,

Welcome to the lifestyle! As I’m sure you know, unicorns in the lifestyle are an important component and just like with any other like minded person, we all just want to be able to express ourselves in an authentic way. The beauty of our authenticity is it’s uniqueness. You get to tailor make you and whatever relationship you want. There is no set rule or guidelines, but are driven by what brings you peace and contentment.

If you are interested in this couple, then it is important to understand the parameters from both sides. What are your expectations? What are theirs? Knowing your boundaries is another necessity. You never want to give up your comfort level because of someone else. You may find this couple intoxicating, but is this really what you want? It’s okay if it’s not. Being able to say Yes and no are both vital to your own self esteem, which I’m sure you already know.

Do what’s best for you.

Jackie

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Question #2

Dear John & Jackie,

My wife and I are exploring the lifestyle. We’re both new to it and my wife met a man online and have/had been communicating. They finally met after some time and the relationship became physical. The male stated he was in an open relationship with his wife. But long of short it’s been over seven months and he still has not told his “wife” about her and us (truple) being together. Your thoughts and opinions would be appreciated.

New to the lifestyle

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Dear New to the Lifestyle,

One thing I noticed in your email to us was the following, “the male stated he was in an open relationship with his wife.” The next sentence then goes on to say, “he has not told his wife about us.” Because you offer me no other explanation as to the breakdown of this man’s “open” relationship with his wife, I find myself suspicious of his motives.

Yes, there are a multitude of definitions when it comes to how couples operate within an open relationship. Some partners are more engaging with others, some want to be told all about their partner’s play partners, and still others don’t want to know a thing. You sound unsure which option if any of them your male play partner falls under.

The thing is, regardless of this man’s actions, where you really need to focus your attention is on the boundaries you and your wife have set in place. It’s not so much whether this guy is playing with or without the consent of his partner (which if he isn’t then that sucks) but whether you want to play with someone that leaves you wondering. If you and your wife are uncomfortable with the situation then it is your responsibility to speak up.

Knowing and honoring the boundaries you and your wife have set, for instance, “we aren’t going to play with others who are not actively revealing play information to their partner” is an empowering gesture the two of you make in the protection of your values. Being clear about intentful play is also a way to show respect to each other and to potential play partners.

If you’re unsure about this guy’s behavior then ask him. If the answer does not fall in line with your own play boundaries, don’t shy away from saying so. Better the two of you enjoy playtime with others from the standpoint of peace, then to engage with those who leave you questioning. Learning to set boundaries is a process, be patient with yourselves as you become more seasoned in your open relationship.

Remember this questioning of others isn’t about blame or anger, but of the intentful responsibility the two of you have accepted in creating a tailor made partnership with each other. You may even be a wonderful example to this man of how beautiful a truly open and honest relationship can be.

You’ve got this!

Jackie

3 Comments

  • Costa Rica Phil says:

    Well said Jackie!!!!
    Regardless of what type of parameters you have set in your relationship with your primary partner. The fact of the matter is that every interaction with another person becomes a relationship unto itself no matter how new or casual it is. Most people would agree that the reason their primary relationship is successful is as a result of building TRUST. This is the one key factor in relationships of any kind that allow a relationship to grow in a positive manner, trust inevitably becomes an important factor in its success or failure.
    You stated this same sentiment “…some want to be told all about their partner’s play partners, and still others don’t want to know a thing.” To me this is the “HOW” different people choose to deal with the trust aspect…they either want to deal with it in a direct forthcoming fashion or they would rather remain in the “ignorance is bliss” mode and not confront any issues or potential issues that may arise. Some may see possible pitfalls with the latter.
    Those are my thoughts….Hope it tickles more people to ponder.

  • John says:

    My wife and I are fine with play-first-tell-later if the opportunity arises. But telling usually happens within a day or two. To go seven months without telling is bothersome. But then again, it’s not as bad as simply lying and saying that he told his wife. Perhaps ask a little about the wife, and maybe suggest meeting her.

    — J.S.

  • Dane says:

    Jackie you can really write and communicate in an otherwise very subtle manner, but with great meaning and intensity of thinking about all sides, or points of view.

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