We’ve got TWO burning questions today from our readers:
Dear John & Jackie:
I am new to the lifestyle and I am a unicorn. A couple has expressed wanting me to become their girlfriend and to be honest I don’t know what this entails… I am attracted to both of them but what are the lines with this. I like being a unicorn, I’ve been meeting and connecting with a lot of couples, but I feel intoxicated around this couple. I just don’t know if being their girlfriend is something practical or not.
Dear Unicorn Girlfriend,
Welcome to the lifestyle! As I’m sure you know, unicorns in the lifestyle are an important component and just like with any other like minded person, we all just want to be able to express ourselves in an authentic way. The beauty of our authenticity is it’s uniqueness. You get to tailor make you and whatever relationship you want. There is no set rule or guidelines, but are driven by what brings you peace and contentment.
If you are interested in this couple, then it is important to understand the parameters from both sides. What are your expectations? What are theirs? Knowing your boundaries is another necessity. You never want to give up your comfort level because of someone else. You may find this couple intoxicating, but is this really what you want? It’s okay if it’s not. Being able to say Yes and no are both vital to your own self esteem, which I’m sure you already know.
Do what’s best for you.
Dear John & Jackie,
My wife and I are exploring the lifestyle. We’re both new to it and my wife met a man online and have/had been communicating. They finally met after some time and the relationship became physical. The male stated he was in an open relationship with his wife. But long of short it’s been over seven months and he still has not told his “wife” about her and us (truple) being together. Your thoughts and opinions would be appreciated.
New to the lifestyle
Dear New to the Lifestyle,
One thing I noticed in your email to us was the following, “the male stated he was in an open relationship with his wife.” The next sentence then goes on to say, “he has not told his wife about us.” Because you offer me no other explanation as to the breakdown of this man’s “open” relationship with his wife, I find myself suspicious of his motives.
Yes, there are a multitude of definitions when it comes to how couples operate within an open relationship. Some partners are more engaging with others, some want to be told all about their partner’s play partners, and still others don’t want to know a thing. You sound unsure which option if any of them your male play partner falls under.
The thing is, regardless of this man’s actions, where you really need to focus your attention is on the boundaries you and your wife have set in place. It’s not so much whether this guy is playing with or without the consent of his partner (which if he isn’t then that sucks) but whether you want to play with someone that leaves you wondering. If you and your wife are uncomfortable with the situation then it is your responsibility to speak up.
Knowing and honoring the boundaries you and your wife have set, for instance, “we aren’t going to play with others who are not actively revealing play information to their partner” is an empowering gesture the two of you make in the protection of your values. Being clear about intentful play is also a way to show respect to each other and to potential play partners.
If you’re unsure about this guy’s behavior then ask him. If the answer does not fall in line with your own play boundaries, don’t shy away from saying so. Better the two of you enjoy playtime with others from the standpoint of peace, then to engage with those who leave you questioning. Learning to set boundaries is a process, be patient with yourselves as you become more seasoned in your open relationship.
Remember this questioning of others isn’t about blame or anger, but of the intentful responsibility the two of you have accepted in creating a tailor made partnership with each other. You may even be a wonderful example to this man of how beautiful a truly open and honest relationship can be.
You’ve got this!
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.