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Ask John & Jackie: Visiting a Swingers’ Club for the First Time

By August 11, 2019 September 21st, 2019 Swing Lifestyle Articles
Visiting a Swingers’ Club

Dear John & Jackie,

Hello! I recently discovered your YouTube channel was blown away! So friendly! So kind! So real! Thank you for that! However, I do have a question that I can’t seem to find an answer for: My wife and I could soon be embarking on our first visit to a swingers club. I’ve been curious for years, but she remains apprehensive. What we have in common, though, is less of a focus on swapping and non-monogamy, but watching and possibly having sex in the open, with others having sex, but keeping to ourselves. This appears to be defined as “less than ‘soft swap’”, and I keep reading that “soft swap” is treated by many in the lifestyle only as the lead-up to “real” swinging. Will we be ostracized or looked down on for wanting to enjoy a sexually charged atmosphere, but not looking to swap? Will we be treated poorly or thought of as “tourists”? With our apprehension, that would only make things much weirder and more difficult, and we would like some advice on how to avoid that, if possible. Thanks again for everything, and I look forward to hearing back!



Dear Curious,

Thank you for your kind words. John and I gain such satisfaction in knowing our site is helping those who want to explore their sexuality.

To answer your question…rest assured we have TONS of couples who attend the clubs with no intention of ever playing with anyone other than their partner. Does this mean you won’t be approached by others? No, but it also doesn’t mean you will be ostracized either.

The club is a place in which to enhance your relationship and maybe even make a few friends along the way.


Hi John & Jackie

My husband and I have often talked about going to a swinger’s club.

We have a wonderful, secure relationship and our sex life is great when we have the opportunity.

While we are secure with each other, we’re not real secure with our bodies, which we are setting out to do something about. We are both in our 50’s, so being older is also a concern. We don’t feel like we’d be ready any time soon to actually participate in any “activities” but we would very much enjoy going to a club, checking out others and just enjoy ourselves be voyeurs, if you will. Is that allowed? We certainly don’t want to be the “creepy old couple” there watching others! LOL!

We are thinking of going out on a date to your club, but I guess I’m wanting to make sure we don’t have to participate in anything at this time. We may reach that point some day in the future, but right now, we want to check out a sexy place where we can enjoy ourselves with no expectations or unwanted pressure.

So with all that being said, what are “newbie nights” like?

Thanks so much for all the wonderful information you share.

Enjoying Each Other


Dear Enjoying Each Other,

Thanks so much for reaching out with your questions. John and I are both in our 50’s as well, so I understand where you’re coming from. It can be easy to think a swingers club is going to be full of hot young couples or singles. It can also be easy to think judgement will be in attendance as well. I am here to tell you that while our clubs do have their share of hot young couples and singles, the club is really much more a reflection of society. It has also been my experience that the clubs are inclusive driven…those in attendance want everyone else in attendance to feel at ease.

The club is a beautiful melting pot of ethnicity, gender, age, size, and kinks, but the one thing we do have in common is sexual expression and freedom. Rest assured when attending colette you do not have to engage in anything. We have all sorts of couples who attend who never engage in play with anyone else, they simply enjoy the environment the club provides.

Newbie nights tend to be smaller gatherings of couples and singles. This can be a wonderful introduction into the club as it gives you an opportunity to absorb the feel of the club without it being too crowded.


  • John says:

    The most important thing when you’re approached is to always tell the truth: “This is our first time. We’re actually sort of scared, and just being here is all the excitement we can stand.” I’m 71 and have been in the lifestyle since the mid-90’s. For us old timers, it’s actually heartwarming to remember the early days, and new people help us do that. Talk to people and you won’t be that “creepy couple”.

    — J.S.

  • Tom says:

    How do you get invited to a newby night.
    I am a single male.

  • crystal marie campisi says:

    “Will we be ostracized or looked down on for wanting to enjoy a sexually charged atmosphere, but not looking to swap? Will we be treated poorly or thought of as “tourists”?

    I’d like to add another perspective to that question. So here we are I the club, experienced swingers looking for full swaps with other attractive couples. We approach them, chat, and then ask if they’re interested in playing with us.
    “No, we’re just watching”. “No, we’re only playing with each other”. “No, not tonight.” are the responses we get from couples like you.

    Now, I’m pretty self-confident, and we’re an attractive couple, but how many of those replies could YOU take before you start doubting yourselves? After 3 or 4 “no’s”, we start looking at each other and wondering what’s wrong with us and why we paid a fee to come here and get turned down!

    So my answer to you is, no, you won’t be ostracized or treated poorly, but you may have just helped to ruin some other couple’s night by degrading their self-esteem. You ARE tourists, and that’s ok, but please be cautious with your replies and the words you use. Maybe instead of “no”, you could say “oh, we ARE attracted to you, and we wish we were ready, but we’re just not… but if we see you again next time… yes!” That would send us away on cloud 9 instead of wondering what is wrong with us!!

    Comments… JOHN & JACKIE??

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      One of the myths of swinging is those involved in this relationship model have a never ending supply of couples (or singles) in which to engage with. Anyone who has been in a swinging marriage for any length of time will tell you finding another couple of interest can sometimes be a long and arduous process. While I do believe it is important to be courteous and honest with potential play partners when declining a request to play, it’s important to remember we have no control over their response to our invitation. In your case for instance, the common denominator in your story is you and your partner. If you are coming up against declines and it is affecting your confidence, then I would suggest not propositioning any couples or singles the next time you are out. Leave the invitation up to the other couple. The next time you go out, go with the resolve of NOT asking anyone to play. Go in with no expectation, and with the intent of enjoying the night knowing no matter what happens you always have the perfect play partner sitting right next to you. This way you won’t have the pressure of asking, nor will you have the crushing blow of defeat. Here’s the thing, we can’t dictate how others respond to us, we can only control ourselves.

    • John says:

      Another thought for Crystal Marie — Given your theory that it’s newbies who are saying no because they’re not ready yet, perhaps before you ask a couple to play, first talk with them about their experiences in the lifestyle and yours. If you have some memorable stories and interesting characters to talk about from your long experience, newbies will typically be eager to listen, and they’ll have no problem admitting that they’re new, and not comfortable playing yet. If they’re veterans, at least you’ll get some interesting stories…. The time some guy tossed his underwear onto a lighted candle, the time someone went home with the wrong jacket, and the owner’s car keys were in the pocket….

      — J.S.

    • Kellie says:

      My husband and I are interested in coming to your club. However we are close to 50 and over weight, not real sure anyone would be interested in playing with us. Are there other couples like us that go to your club?

      • Jackie Melfi says:

        One of the things I love about our club is the diversity. It is a true slice of society, so yes you will find patrons just like yourselves. Hope to see you soon!

    • LnStarCpl says:

      Hmmm….I don’t know that I fully agree with that approach either. I believe a simple No thank you. We are new, and unsure at this time. But we are very flattered that you asked.

      That should be enough on your part. If they choose to read more into it, then perhaps they need to reevaluate their expectations.

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