Well the short answer is, how it makes me feel about myself and my partner.
Now to expound on this answer. Whenever John or I “play” it always amazes me how much love is generated towards each other as a result. This is amazing to me because I was raised to believe the exact opposite was supposed to happen. That every relationship was a singular choice. I was taught having multi-relationships or encounters were dangerous, you must not have true feelings for your partner if you are thinking such things. Desiring others was unnatural. That I would be “damaged” goods. No man would want me.
Just a really horrible, nasty, negative narrative…and I believed it to an extent, but I didn’t feel it. So what happens to those feelings? They get stuffed down in a little place within us. A place that gnaws at us from a distance…so hidden we almost forget why we struggle with opposing emotions.
Those thoughts of, “I love and adore my partner, but gosh that guy/girl over there is intriguing,” or “Wow, I would totally sleep with such and such movie star if I had the chance.” We laugh and shrug those thoughts away as if simply moving our shoulders will make the thoughts dissipate. Never really paying close attention to why we think those thoughts to begin with. Those thoughts that I believe truly reveal our nature. Those thoughts of variety. Those thoughts about community.
Think about how close you and your partner are, all the intimate things you share with each other. The connectedness that sex brings. The vulnerability of deep conversation. The different perspective your partner brings to the table.
Now , what if that same connectedness could be multiplied, could increase an already loving, committed partnership.
This, my friends, is what I found through swinging!
I took everything nurturing from my partnership, every positive, every moment of affirmation and increased its space in my life by allowing others to share themselves with me and vice versa. Instead of looking at sharing ourselves with others sexually as a negative, John and I chose to see it as a positive. Because really, isn’t that what sex is supposed to be…an enhancing, positive part of our lives?!
It’s time we change the narrative from sex being this coveted, tiny, narrow, reproductive, possessive, matrimonial duty, to this incredibly unique bonding experience. This spectacular unity, a way to strip away fears, and create a protectiveness of those we come in contact with. To share who we are.
We are all taught from a young age to share. We grow to see sharing as a loving, bonding, kind thing to do. We learn to take the other person into account, that they matter. When we share we increase what we have through those connections. This is what swinging has revealed to me. Swinging has increased who I am. It has allowed me to envelope those around me through expansion. It is through this expansion that my love for John also expands…it’s a win-win situation.
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.