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How to Handle a Bad Swinging Experience

So what do you do when you have a bad swinging experience? This can be at a club or a party or even on a date. How do you handle it?

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  • John/Jackie,

    The first thing that I MUST say — because I’m not sure if John hears it enough, and it is so important! — is what an exceptional Listener John is in your OpenLove vlogs! I am impressed by how well John allows you Jackie to essentially express fully or very close to fully your thoughts, ideas, answers, tips, etc. He does not constantly interrupt you or try to finish your sentences with HIS words/interpretations and THAT is an integral component of excellent couple’s communication! I hope everyone sees and has seen that from John! It deserves kudos. BRAVO John!

    OH, and Jackie, you are excellent at it as well, which DUH… helps your relationship and open-marriage work so well, right? (wink)

    Jackie, accumulating good and not-so good experiences is most definitely the best way (IMO) to learn how best to handle future flub-ups. I have learned a few different techniques in hearing a person’s or a couple’s concern/complaint. I’ve also learned a few different techniques in verbalizing mine or “our” concern/complaint to another. I try to avoid going straight to staff or the party-hosts because it could come across as tattling or pseudo-gossiping, if you know what I mean. But if the circumstance demands ‘heavier’ intervention, then it is good for everyone’s comfort and safety that staff is trained and available if need be. In those situations where it is necessary to STOP someone after crossing a boundary, the initial words and tone — loving, caring as you hit on Jackie — can really set it up as a positive, constructive learning experience. “There is no way” as an example, “you could’ve known this beforehand Sir/Ma’am about us/me, but…” is one polite stoppage I find is usually calming after a sudden physical withdrawal. Or a polite “Hang on one second, there’s something you should know.” also can work well. Why? Because not everyone reads completely a club’s or party’s Rules of Conduct, or don’t fully comprehend it. I know for Newbie guys they can get super excited that so much HOT skin is everywhere and it is an open invitation. No. The temporary loss of brain-activity COULD be attributed to all his hormonal excitement leaving his head and all RUSHING down to the nether regions and to the libido. We hetero Neanderthals are known for that sometimes. (wink)

    Naturally, the more Swinger situations you and your partner put yourselves into, the more positive management skills you both will learn and build for those fantastic experiences, as well as those that are sort of… forgettable? Hahaha. For the latter, everyone benefits because you’ve increased your resume/dossier, so to speak, and no one’s valuable time and energy is wasted. A win-win all the way around!

    Another great vlog John & Jackie. Thank you!

  • Wendi says:

    In the two years I’ve been in the lifestyle officially and knew about organized places and events, I’ve only had one bad experience… it wasn’t at a club or at a party, it was at our home with another swinger couple. Things weren’t going the way the man in the couple had hoped and expected so he got mean and nasty…. To the point I was crying…. My fiance and I tried to talk him down to no avail….we knew the best thing was to just stop…..They are part of a social swinger group we belong to so, we knew that the wrong thing to do would be to tell anyone…. We actually saw them the next day at a party and were very cordial and sweet to them. We know people have bad nights…. and being gracious is what the Lifestyle is about…. Unfortunately, unknown to us for a long time, they told our group of friends that it was “me” that had a problem….. It only took a couple months until several other couple friends experienced the mean and nasty experience too. Looking back, I recognize that my fiance had some hesitation about inviting them to our home….. we didn’t know them that well and it was only the four of us…. We treasure our friendships with the couples and singles we swing with and it was a lesson learned…. If he hesitates, I hesitate too…. If I hesitate, he hesitates too…. And perhaps the “dynamics” of the evening would have played out differently if we had other swinger friends with us as well… there is always safety in numbers with our crew. Thanks for letting me share…. xoxo, Wendi

  • HarryAndTressie says:

    At 3:05 John said to go to the club owner/manager if unwanted behavior occurs. In our case, my wife was at the top of the stairs when a guy we’ve never seen before groped her up hir skirt without any invitation or warning. She fell down the stairs as she turned to confront him and broke her arm. When we complained to the club owner, his response was, “What do you expect – It’s a swingers club!” Other than never returning to the club, what could we possibly have done?

    • I am sorry to hear that you had this experience. Of course being groped can occur at any club, regular night club or swingers club, but it is not acceptable behavior and shouldn’t be expected any where. At colette and other swingers clubs where I know the owners and staff, they would not have that kind of attitude about someone doing something without consent. It’s important to educate the new members about asking before touching and ‘no means no’. I hope you find a club in your area where the owners care about these simple principals so that you are able to enjoy yourselves in a friendly, safe environment. John

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