What would you do if a swinger asked you out on a date, but you’d never been exposed to the swinger lifestyle? Would you go? And if you did, how do you think you would react to this relationship model?

John and I have both gone on dates with singles since we’ve been in the swinging lifestyle. These singles didn’t identify themselves as swingers, not because they didn’t want to, but because they were unaware of this compersion based way of life. They were open minded and even sex positive, but once they found out about our lifestyle, would give us an inquisitive look as they struggled to comprehend how it was possible for a married couple to really be okay with their significant other going on a date.

This inquisitiveness allowed John and I to really play a pivotal role in showing these individuals the benefits of this loving option.

I can recall several instances that John made a connection with a woman and they agreed to go out, and even though John had revealed his lifestyle to her, the woman would be adamant about meeting me. I think this is wonderful for a couple of reasons.

For one, it shows me how much this woman respects her own values and wants to make sure that the person she’s agreeing to interact with will also measure up to the value system she holds important. I believe it also shows a level of self respect, not only for herself, but for John and me. There’s a real message of, “I expect our friendship (or whatever the interaction may end up being) to be rooted in a degree of honesty.”

One particular time John brought a woman home to meet me really left an impression (on both me and I believe, John’s date) After we introduced ourselves and talked for a bit, she said to me, “Wow, you’re so nice!” While this comment (and compliment) seems innocent enough, I think it shows that maybe on some unconscious level this woman had expected me to not be nice. This narrative would make sense in the traditional monogamous relationship because in a monogamous relationship if one of the partners was out with someone else, it would mean problems existed within the relationship.

John and I had thrown a curveball at this young woman. She saw with her own eyes and heard with her own ears that a swinging marriage worked. Even though she was aware of our swinging, she was still gauging our relationship from the traditional guidelines. This woman was able to interact with a married man who was gloriously happy in his marriage and whose wife was not only okay with her interacting with her husband but was encouraging the companionship.

This woman not only had the chance to get to know and adore John, but she also had the chance to get to know and forge a friendship with me! How’s that for a twist! She found our relationship to be positive, easy going and was encouraged by how open and honest John and I were with each other. She saw first hand what inclusion and compersion can do for a relationship—a couple who encouraged growth rather than restriction.

One afternoon I had a gentleman come over. I knew this particular guy was nervous about coming to the house. He kept asking if my husband was going to be home and if it was really okay that he stop by while John was home. What’s kind of sad about his comment is the fact that he was more concerned about my husband being home than out somewhere. Again, I believe this is in large part due to how we are taught. To this guy, it made more sense to be with a woman who was unfaithful than it was to be with a woman whose husband was okay with the rendezvous.

While I visited with my new friend, John worked in his office. When I introduced John to my friend, they shook hands and began to discuss whatever it is that guys talk about—I’m sure it had something to do with sports! You could tell from this guy’s demeanor that this was the first time he’d ever been in a situation like this (well, that and the fact that he told me he’d never interacted with a swinging couple before). You could see the wheels turning in his head as he casually visited with John and saw how John was so encouraging about the interaction. John said something along the lines of, “Well, I’ve got to get back to work, you two enjoy yourselves.”

There was no fighting, no gnashing of teeth or throwing of objects. There was no sneaking around and there was no negative talk about a spouse. It was about compersion; about finding joy in your partner’s joy. John and I were showing this gentleman, quite unintentionally, yet naturally, how devoted and generous we were with each other.

Another time when John and I were traveling, we’d made arrangements to have dinner with a woman. At some point during the chosen day, I began to feel sick. First it was the chills and then a low grade fever. I wanted so much to have dinner together that I downplayed my symptoms in order to go.

During dinner, my body defied me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue with the date. I told John and our friend that I just needed to lay down for a bit, still not fully disclosing my illness. I returned to our room and immediately climbed into bed as the fever took over.

John sent me a text not long after I’d returned to our room asking how I was. I told him I was fine and to enjoy his evening. I found out later that neither one of them could focus on the evening because of their concern for me. They both returned to our room and she got right to work, bringing me a cool washcloth and laying down next to me as I was overcome with chills. This woman wasn’t upset about the change in the evening, she wasn’t angry that John wanted to check on me; her focus was on inclusion—an evening in which no one was going to be left out.

I was brought to tears by her display of concern and lovingness towards both of us. She said after that night that she’d never seen a more centered marriage or loving relationship than ours. She said we’d shown her the importance of being true to who you are and to never settle for anything less than what you want from life. But I say this woman taught me a thing or two about being loving—that no matter the circumstances, sometimes thinking outside yourself is the greatest gift you can give you!