Do you ever get asked ‘what is the lifestyle’? We recently had a conversation with a new couple who just inquired about what the lifestyle is all about. (Maybe you have some friends that have asked you too.) Here’s how we describe it.
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John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.
I would like to know how you handle the issue of oral sex? We have been to Colette and played but I allow my wife to go down on other girls and vice versa, there is a mental block for me to let her go down on a man. And she has had an issue with me going down on another woman.
I feel maybe there is something lacking and prohibiting us from achieving true sexual freedom, and because of it we have not been back in some time. We talk about going but something unspoken is stopping us.
Thanks
Hi Sal,
Okay, so it sounds as though both you and your partner view oral sex with others of the opposite sex the same. Neither one of you are comfortable with the scenario. With that being the case, I see a couple of options or choices. 1) Since both of you seem to be in agreement with no oral sex then this can simply be a boundary. 2) If the issue of no oral sex is because of a mutual fear, then you have the opportunity for some open honest communication with each other. You can both share what it is about oral sex that is keeping you from exploring the option.
I remember years ago, John and I had the chance to be another couples “test partners.” This couple had never played with another couple, only other girls. They felt a sense of safety with us since we were all friends and we approached the situation as an opportunity for this couple to test a boundary in a secure environment. The experience ended up being very positive and this couple came away feeling much more confident about expanding their boundaries. Jackie
How do you know boundaries of others and how will they know what I don’t like? I wouldn’t want to have to tell them in a heated moment. I know some places have bands representing what the boundaries are.
Hi Denise,
It has been our experience that the conversation about boundaries comes up well before any play take place. Remember if you are willing and ready to play with another, to be in those intimate situations with another, than talking about boundaries will not seem awkward…it will seem normal. Whereas bands are a great idea for more generalized play, (soft swap, newbies, full swap) things like boundaries are almost endless…always better to just have the conversation.
Jackie