John and Jackie from OpenLove101 delve into the challenges of embracing an open relationship, focusing on managing feelings of jealousy, fear, and control. They share personal anecdotes, practical strategies, and insights into the emotional growth required to find comfort and joy in this lifestyle.
This episode is packed with actionable tips for anyone exploring or navigating non-monogamy.
00:05
hey guys John Jackie of open love 101.com Welcome to our show today we’re going to talk about whoa whoa how do you get to the point where you’re okay with your wife being with another man over the years I’ve had lots of questions about this from friends and from people that view us and people at
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the club people know that I’m okay with it and you know I wasn’t always there were some times where I had some it at the time it felt like jealousy but really it came down to being more control so today we thought we’d talk about about how I got to this point and maybe some pointers I
00:46
have on to how to help you guys get to that point as well before I get started though uh please if you already haven’t go to open L 101.com and sign up for our email list uh that way we can send you an email about upcoming blog Vlogs videos events or places that were going
01:02
to be so check it out openlove101.com for me early on uh I was in a relationship and I was definitely okay with her being with someone in front of me I don’t really don’t know what how I ever got to that point I think it just happened and it turned me on so I was definitely okay with with it
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when I was in the room the trouble that I had was the the the how uncomfortable I became if she went out with someone else and I knew she was at some guy’s house and I would start clock watching and worrying what’s going on I wasn’t able to get a hold of her really
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uncomfortable feelings would happen I would get really worried and nervous uh anxious um freaking out I mean it just it just would escalate to a point I just really have you ever had that feeling with me yeah and then the minute I got her on the phone I’m like so where have you
02:08
been she goes oh I was having sex and then I got done and I got in my car I’m like oh God it took forever she goes well it was you know and then she would start telling me about it and the minute she start talking to me about what happened those feelings would dissipate and that’s when I realized it
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wasn’t so much about jealousy it was more about for me having control of the situation and being out of my control like if there was a way for me to reach her and she picked up the phone and said hey everything’s fine I probably would have been okay or I’m having a good time
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but not having that response or being able to get that response from her made me have that uncomfortable feeling because it was out of my hands so how did you work through that I I asked her to check in with me and that helped you know I’m here and I might not be able to call you back for
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the next hour and a half you know there was more of a a time frame in there and and I talked to her about that like you know if you know you’re going to have sex for an hour let’s make it an hour and a half give me a little bit of buffer I’ll give you a little bit of
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buffering there but you know please let me know that everything’s cool and you’re going to hang out longer or something like that yeah it it was really just about knowing yeah and cuz the the thoughts that went through my mind were like she’s going to leave me she must really like this guy she’s been
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with him now for 30 minutes or an hour whatever well you know really silly stuff like when you’re in the moment of that anxious feeling it can it it’s really powerful but when you look back on it for me anyway it really felt like why would I think that I mean I know she
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really cared about me and she was doing it because I was encouraging her to so why would I have those kind of fears and and that’s really the thing to do is to look at those and say to yourself are they are they true or they unfounded yeah and what’s the fear stemming from
04:02
yeah and most those fears are really unfounded that it was based on my not having control I fear of not having control of her or my relationship well ultimately I don’t have control over her or you or anyone and um and nor do I have control the only control I have over my
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relationship is what I put into it and I don’t have control over those other other things outside of it and it just takes some time working through that I think and really understanding that and accepting it and then the fear in time will go away now the other thing that helps it to go away is
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repetitiveness if you have a fear of elevators and you you finally get in the elevator and you you take it a couple floors and get out and you see that there wasn’t anything to be afraid of and you get ready to do it again there’s still that twinge of fear there you get
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in so get in the and do it again eventually you’ll your your mind will overcome that fear of being in the elevator CU you’ll see that it’s safe and I I feel the same way with being in an open relationship or having you’re in your partner having sex with someone else or not you know outside of
05:20
the home you know outside away from you um if you if you do it multiple times uh and you have the same kind of feelings that I have afterwards which are excitement and you talk about it like you and I do and there’s an excitement about it right and then uh you begin to enjoy it and then that fear
05:41
will go away but it being a new thing like I I I think the story I Shar was one of the first times she’ done that so I definitely had it was a new thing for me so there was some fear involved there well and we I don’t I think sometimes too we don’t realize how much baggage we
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bring with us to relationships you know when we’ve talked about in the past about Western society and how we’re taught from the time we’re little you know what uh successful relationship is supposed to look like and even if it’s not something we necessarily agree with
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if it if we’ve been indoctrinated into that doing something outside of that’s going to feel weird no doubt about it right you’re going to have fears because it’s been rein those fears have been reinforced and reinforced through TV movies articles news just uh you know
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other people in relationships how they talk about it and so you know it can it can kind of feel like an uphill battle of like why do I don’t even understand why I feel like this you know so if I don’t understand why I feel like this how am I going to combat it because I don’t even
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know what’s going on typically what ends up happening is we’re just not going to do it anymore yeah right you know and um early on to the uh I had a different girlfriend and we before she did anything to where I knew she was going to go do something multiple times we had
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some fantasy sessions together just her and I where I would pretend she would pretend I was somebody else M and I would pretend I was I I would almost be like it’s almost like being two people like she’s calling his name so that’s in the moment when I’m him but I’m also still
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me so I can like how does it make me feel that she’s calling out another you know another man’s name right and maybe I kiss her in a different way so it makes her feel as though she’s with someone different um to really play on that fantasy that uh fantasy session and
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I found in doing that that that was a turn on as well it really it’s a really safe place to get turned on especially if it’s fantasy and not someone she you know your partner’s actually been with and then the next step for me was to have her pretend that I was someone that
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she had actually been with that I knew and how did that make me feel and it still for me it was a turn on so I was able to really see what what types of things that she could do that that were exciting for me and that I I would potentially be okay with so you know a
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suggestion to kind of like taking baby steps in into playing separately that would be one thing you could do that would work both ways you know if if if you’re going to play as as a guy if I’m going to play separately that might be something you and I could have done maybe we did I
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remember off the top of my head but yeah we did actually and we’re you know uh I pretend you’re a different woman and call out a different name and see how that makes you feel that kind of a thing so those are little things you can do to really kind of like push the
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envelope a little bit and see how how it what it does for you both yeah absolutely what are some other ways that you got through that to the point where I mean CU When you and I got together you had no qualms at all about me like it was it was interesting because I was new
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to Lifestyle you were much more seasoned and so you had already worked through any kind of issues about me being with anybody um I had to kind of play catchup a little bit with that so once you and I were together and I was playing I really got the benefit of your growth MH because I never had to
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deal with any of your fears because you had already dealt with them um so it’s kind of a bonus for me I got I got a really kind of like uh healthy in entrance into the lifestyle from your standpoint you know I was really encouraged by you to to find out what I liked and if there were things that I
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wanted to do and that you were going to be there and be supportive of all of you know of all of that so you realized that there were certain things that were going on that excited did you but did you you know did you end up having to talk to somebody outside of the relationship were you able just to
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work through those with the partner that you had um you know as far as what you needed you know that being that advocate for yourself um was that another process in that you know cuz you said you had fears mhm you know so how did you get how were you able to pinpoint those fears because
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I think a lot of times once we get fears that stops us and we don’t go forward so I found like in this in this in the story I shared where it was out of my control and then we on the phone on the way home we talked about it and it uh it turned me on so were you like immediately you
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knew it turned you on or were you in like did it take you a minute to admit that it actually turned you on well I knew immed I mean once she said she was okay she was on her way home and she couldn’t wait to see me so she’s reinforcing her love for me okay the fear went away instantly okay and I
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became turned on and wanted to hear about her experience and she’s sharing her experience with me it it turned me on okay so yeah it was it was instant okay and then when we got together and we talked about it and end up you know having sex talking about it it just
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reinforced how much fun that was and then she did it another time and the same thing happened and probably at that point is when I talked to her about like this is what’s happening to me when you’re doing it I’m really like there’s a moment where I’m out it’s out of control and I
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don’t believe that everything’s going to be okay and you we talk we worked on it together there wasn’t anything any outside influence or therapists or I mean I didn’t know anyone that would I could discuss that with at that time but the two of you were able to like format
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a plan and you were able to articulate what you felt like you needed and then she was able to give those things like texting you or calling you or letting you know the time frame yes okay okay yeah that’s really all all all that happened and then I just took that
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experience on down the road yeah and um you know later um let me think about the timeline here yeah so this would be later down the road uh I had a girlfriend that ended on ended up cheating on me she was she was drunk she came home I don’t know if she didn’t she didn’t know I was home cuz I
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got home from work early you know I was running a nightclub and and um uh I look out the window and she’s in the car with somebody making out and my initial reaction would be to go downstairs and say what the hell you doing yeah but instead I sat there and I washed her cuz it was turning me on even
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though it wasn’t anything she was being honest about right H maybe I’m wacko but uh you know when she I did confront her with it when she got in and I mean it was wrong and but I didn’t have to I didn’t have to want to go punch somebody out right you know it just I think
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because of what I’d gone through before it gave me kind of a calmness so and so it’s just like kind of the the repetitiveness and so then by the time you and I got together you kind of already had a plat form well I know it’s I knew that I liked it that there’s
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nothing little platform involved there I don’t have that kind of fear with you because I’ve gone through it already once you go through the fear I guess and I guess that’s what I’m talking about is once you had gone through the fear of the control or whatever it didn’t make
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any difference than who you were in the relationship with you knew your role yeah so it didn’t make any difference what who the partner was it did not know I mean I had had multiple partners before that I had the experience with already and it always it was the same so
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yeah yeah well I mean I think those are that’s important especially if you’re dealing with that you know if you’re a guy out there dealing with that it’s important to know that you know so often when we’re up against issues it’s really a mirror it’s really something that we can
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that we can change about ourselves or we can correct in ourselves you know just like with you with the control you realized that it was something within your power to do for yourself you know because I think sometimes we can end up feeling kind of out of control when we feel as though it’s our
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partner’s job to change something that they’re doing to fix our fear instead of us realizing if it’s our fear then um it’s something we can that we can change yeah and in this case really it’s unfounded fear because it has to do with uh she’s going to leave me for somebody and if
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she gives me an affirmation that she loves me wants to stay with me then it’s unfounded yeah and so that’s important part of it too is to really after an experience like that especially new if you’re new to it is to just let your partner know how much you care and love
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them and want to be with them and that you really appreciate and you have a lot of gratitude for them you know being okay okay with you doing this you know having hooking up with this other person and that will help you get to a level to where your relationship becomes even
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more solid and you can start feeling more as the person that’s experiencing it like you know I can feel more compersion she told me how great of a time she had and I be excited for her yeah yeah I think those are great those are great tips oh thanks to remember hopefully that help you guys out there
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uh once again be sure and sign up for our email email list at open Lev 101.com check out open Lev 101 plus once you get there uh Jackie and I will spend time with our open level 101 members in uh group Zoom sessions that are a lot of fun and and uh everyone’s sharing their
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experience about the lifestyle so be sure and check that out thanks see you see you
Courtney is the Marketing Director for Openlove101 and colette Clubs.