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Ask John & Jackie: Learning From Your Open Relationship

By August 28, 2018 August 31st, 2018 Swing Lifestyle Articles

Not only do John and I receive questions through Openlove101, but we also receive lots of inquiries through our Openlove101 Youtube channel. We received the following response/comment on our ““Swinging As A Threesome” video.

dome ENT. b

if i love her i couldn’t watch another man do her lol

Openlove101

This is why having all sorts of different relationship models available is so important. Everyone should have the ability to create a relationship that works for them…we do not all have to agree…this is what makes diversity so wonderful!

dome ENT. b

Openlove101 that’s true..just know that another man making her orgasm is a problem for me..i’m not a jealous person but i rather a woman do all the freaky things to her…

Openlove101

But what if you learned a new technique as a result? Wouldn’t that be a positive? I remember years ago, not feeling very confident in my “blowjob” abilities. I asked one of John’s dates what she did because John really seemed to enjoy it. The next time I had the chance, I took this woman’s advice and used what I had learned, with fantastic results I might add. If I had been all caught up in thinking this other woman was “better” than me, or that she had given my husband something I hadn’t,  I would have missed out on learning something new. Thanks for the honest feedback.

Bobby Seale Junior

Openlove101 i understand where you’re coming from, but it raises the question: should our goal be to master sexual techniques, or to learn a higher level of love and understanding as human beings…? Don’t get me wrong, we all know sex is an extremely important aspect of intimate human interaction, but I’ve always felt that the goal was to find the person that best fits me sexually from time, patience, and a mutual commitment.

The proof being I’ve had mind blowing sex with women I wasn’t committed to at all, and learned a great deal about the sexual experience as a whole, including both the physical and the psychological pros/cons…..so what I mean is, if a person wants to learn and experience more about sex, that’s wonderful, but why not just date..? Why learn at the possible detriment/expense of the relationship due to the lack of emotional intimacy, trust, and growth that comes with a monogamous commitment…? I’m not judging, and my question isn’t loaded, I’m really just trying to understand.

Openlove101

Hi Bobby, you are absolutely right…learning a higher level of love and understanding is a wonderful goal, especially in our relationships with others. My response to the orgasm question was geared more towards being open enough to learning, instead of control. After all wanting or needing to be our partners EVERYTHING puts incredible pressure on one spouse all the while limiting the other spouse. But I get it, I too used to believe that the monogamous platform automatically insured emotional intimacy, trust and growth…matter of fact growing up I believed it was the only platform. It was only after being introduced to a more open relationship model that I began to shift my opinion. I began to research the concept of consensual non-monogamy. I spoke to thousands of couples (some who have been married 50 years plus) who embrace swinging.

I began to see a compelling pattern. These couples were all about honesty, trust, transparency, compersion (happiness in your partner’s happiness) and most of all unconditional love. I soon realized I was completely off base in my understanding of how swinging/open relationships worked. The love and acceptance needed in these kinds of unions are paramount. Sure sex was a part of the relationship, but it was the emotional maturity within each person that propelled the relationship to the next level. These couples could talk to each other about ANYTHING! They encouraged honesty and confidence in each other and seemed to understand the importance external relationships had on their internal relationship.

Do all swinger couples experience this deeper level of intimacy with each other? Do some swinger couples divorce? Of course. We are still society. Just like you have monogamous marriages that end in divorce, not all couples are meant to stay together. I really appreciate your question and I love that instead of attacking something you don’t understand, you try to learn. Kudos to you!

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4 Comments

  • vergel says:

    pls give me a tip how can we make succesfull our first threesome or foursome… vergel from phils… tnx

    • Jackie Melfi says:

      Hi Vergel,

      Communication, communication, communication. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page in regards to levels of play you are prepared to engage. Having safe words/safe touch in place are also great ways to help communicate during play. Be sure and discuss any pre-play jitters or fears. Make sure if you are the recipient of any fears to be a patient and love affirming partner. Be supportive in each others exploration. For me, a big part of my first threesome was to stay relaxed and just kind of go with the flow. To close my eyes and focus more on how I was feeling…to not overthink what was happening. Hopefully, this will be the first of many, so no pressure on getting everything “right” just enjoy the experience. Another big success habit to get into is the post play conversation. What did you both like about the experience? What didn’t you like? What you want to do different next time? This conversation will help in building a firm foundation for your future swinging adventures. Good luck and have fun!

  • crystal campisi says:

    Just wanna reply to Bobby Seale Jr: Why not just date to learn more about sex and techniques? Because you are dating WOMEN! How would you learn what another MAN does that you don’t do unless you have another MAN get with your gal? Then she shows you, and poof! you’ve learned something new. Just like Jackie with her BJ’s, that was never my best event! But when I saw the mouth shapes my husband was making while getting a BJ from another gal, I knew I had something to learn! And after talking to her, she shared some skills with me – THAT’s how you learn… from the same sex, not the opposite one! Be Brave!

  • Hotmess says:

    Have a big question ? How do you separate I mean feeling jealous watching your partner have sex in front of you with another? Also can shy people really overcome that in clubs or hotel rooms ? Again I can relate to the feeling inadequate giving blowjobs so if your partner is enjoying it how to feel like why can’t I do that ! Even if your partner and you are not married it is still possible to have that separation jealousy issue what do you recommend it’s a hard one to deal with .

    Thanks

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