One of the things I love about my open non-monogamous relationship with Jackie is our dating life. I love it when Jackie tells me about her dates. I love seeing her happy and having a good time and hearing about her experiencing new and different things… experiencing new people. And Jackie feels the same way about me when I go on dates.
I went on a date last night. It was a first date with a woman named Katie, well really the second date because she called and cancelled the first one. She told me she had family in town and it was their last night so I get why she would cancel, but my old tapes told me she cancelled because she really didn’t want to go out with me. Of course this turned out to be false. We rescheduled, and I had already checked with Jackie about the day and time. Katie texted me about 30 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up. She wanted to know what we were doing. Ha! I had no idea. Well, I had some ideas, but I couldn’t decide. I couldn’t even decide what I should wear. I called her and told her that I would be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I figured that was pretty safe for anything we decided to do. I threw out some suggestions… movie, coffee, a drink, or chill out at my place by the pool. We decided we would make a plan when I got to her house.
I told Jackie when I was getting ready to go that I was a little nervous. It had been
awhile since I had been on a first date with someone. I’m really not sure why I get nervous. Fear of what someone is going to think of me? Nervous about expectations? Concerned about making sure she has a good time?
The fact that I was a little anxious reared its ugly head again when I was halfway to her house. I had forgotten my money and credit cards. Oops. I guess I can use my Samsung pay. Nope, new phone and it wasn’t activated. I can use my Cinemark app for a movie. This will get us in the theatre, but won’t get us popcorn. Should I turn around and show up late? I decide I needed to be on time. Oh well, I will just tell her when I pick her up that I forgot my wallet and that we’ll have to stop by my house and get it.
She got into the car and looked beautiful. She was wearing a long maxi dress and sandals. She was easy going about the wallet thing, and the drive to my house gave us time to get acquainted. One of the first things she wanted to know about was my relationship with Jackie. How does that work? How does Jackie feel about it? I always find it refreshing when someone I’m going out with is concerned about Jackie’s feelings. It’s important to me because I think it says something about the person. They don’t want to do anything to hurt Jackie, and they don’t want to be dishonest.
I talked to her about my love for Jackie, about the bond we have, and how we share our life together but don’t want to be controlling or restrictive of the other. I discussed how we give each other the freedom to do anything that make each of us happy. Jackie and I have both experienced what it’s like to go through the dating process—meeting someone new, learning about them, sharing with them, and connecting on some level—and it brings us happiness. After the dates, Jackie and I share the experience with each other. The stories can be exhilarating and exciting for the both us. We love this aspect of our relationship.
I enjoy the sexual aspect of swinging—going to a club and having sex with strangers and then leaving and making love with Jackie and reliving our earlier experiences. This reinforces our incredible bond that we have with each other. But I also enjoy something deeper than just sex—I love socializing. I communicate with someone in order to learn more about her and her life, about who she is as a person. Something happens when we’re listening and sharing, whether the goal is something more intimate or not, a connection is made, a tiny bond is formed. I want to know more about her. I want to see her again and continue sharing, maybe even develop a friendship or something more.
The bonus is having a partner in life who enjoys making these connections as well, a partner who doesn’t live in fear of what might happen. Jackie and I love seeing each other happy and enjoying life. So many relationships that I’ve had in the past weren’t like this. If I had told some of those girlfriends that I was going to have coffee with another woman, just to get to her know her, just to socialize and nothing more, they would’ve freaked out. They would’ve become jealous and angry and might’ve threatened to leave me. The fear within some of us can be so strong that we would rather leave someone we love than take a chance that they might make a friend with someone of the opposite sex. It seems to me that socializing is something in our nature, something in our DNA. If I get joy out of these social experiences, why would someone who says she loves me not want to see me happy? Why do we think that once we fall in love with someone that person is supposed to be the only one to provide us happiness? Why do we think one person is the only one who we can converse with? Why do we try to control each other’s friendships in this type of socially acceptable relationship?
I’ve been in some extremely controlling relationships in which it seems there’s always drama. I was always being asked to change my ways and there always seemed to be an undercurrent of distrust. Now I’ve experienced a relationship that’s truly loving and honest, open and free, and gratifying on every level. I love Jackie unconditionally and she loves me in the same way. I can’t imagine being in a relationship better than the one I‘m in.
Katie and I decided to stay in my neighborhood. We started by going to a quiet lounge and getting something to drink… her a cocktail and me a Fiji water. We sat on a couch and talked. I asked her questions and she shared, then she asked me questions and I shared. On and on we talked and listened and learned. It’s hard for me to explain why I enjoy this experience as much as I do. I just know that I do. We continued our date by walking outside and sharing more. When we got back to the car we decided to go to a movie. I texted Jackie to let her know that we were going to the movies and I would be home later. She texted back that if we decided “to come to the house will we please make love in the back guest room, smiley face wink.” WOW!
Going to the movies brings back memories and feelings of my movie dates in high school. I get distracted and can’t follow the movie plot as my mind goes into overdrive trying to decide how and when I’m going to put my arm around my date. Or should I put my hand on her leg? What will she do? Am I being too forward? Our shoulders are touching. She’s not moving. That’s a good sign. Oh. She moved away. Dang. Now she’s leaning back towards me and our shoulders are touching again. That’s better. I readjust and our shoulders touch more forcefully. She pushes back. The pressure in my heart increases as my anxiety intensifies. Our heads tilt closer to each other. I take a deep breath and somehow my arm moves over the armrest and my hand lands on her leg. Her hand immediately wraps around my bicep and she gives me a slight squeeze. Whew. What a relief. It feels great! And that’s how we stayed during the remaining 30 minutes of the movie. Yes, it took me 90 minutes to get up the courage to put my hand on her leg, just like in high school. But it was so worth the wait.
We left the theatre holding hands, just like a couple of high school kids, giddy but tired. We’re tired because it’s one in the morning and we’re not in high school anymore. We decided it was time for bed and to continue our date on another night. I drove her home, got out of the car and gave her a hug and we kissed. There’s something about the first kiss. It’s another reason that I love socializing and getting to know someone. There’s that anticipation after you connect with a person and realize you want to kiss them. Hopefully the feeling is mutual and when it is, it’s awesome! One more reason I love my consensual non-monogamous relationship with Jackie. Most people experience the anticipation and electricity of a first kiss just once. Not me, I get to experience first kisses over and over again, without fear of retribution. But the best part of those kisses is that I get to go home to my life partner and share my experience with her too!
Like I said above, I couldn’t imagine being in a better relationship than the one I share with Jackie. We share everything, from intimate details about our dates and sexual experiences to our fears and insecurities. We truly relish in the other’s joy of experiencing new things with new and different people. I know my anticipation will build leading up to my next date with Katie, and that excitement will be contagious—Jackie will sense the energy and will want to share in what I’m experiencing, which will bring us even closer in ALL aspects of our union. I love my marriage!
John and Jackie Melfi are in a consensually non monogamous marriage. They have been featured in ABC News Nightline Special Report “Getting Naughty In N’awlins”, Inside a New Orleans Swingers Convention, and CNN “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling. The Melfis are the force behind the industry famous colette swingers clubs in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, and Austin. With over 20 years of combined experience, this powerhouse couple coaches thousands of singles and couples through their award winning blog Openlove101.com.